WINDSOR-RUSH: Royal baby facing deportation.
He may be barely a day old and not even have a name yet, but the new Royal Baby is already at the centre of a political firestorm. Home Office rules have him on the deportation list.
Born to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle on 6th May at 5.26am, Royal Baby X was only supposed to bring joy to his parents, pride to the nation and make himself available to rule as King if the six others in front of him suddenly popped their clogs.
He was not supposed to be an illegal immigrant and subject to arrest by Border Patrol.
It's a scoop
However, under strict guidelines laid down by the Home Office and with a mother of foreign nationality, Royal Baby X has no legal right to residence, and he may be scooped up in a dawn raid at any time. He could then face up to two years in a stark detention centre crowded with drug runners, smugglers, traffickers and those Romanian guys who wash your car for a fiver.
As the world reeled from the terrible news, the crowds who flocked to Windsor to get a glimpse of anything royal babylike were left aghast.
Karen Stodger, a worker in the Taunton branch of Aldi spoke for many when she said, “It don’t bear thinkin’ about. That poor little boy stuck in with hardened criminals when he should be suckin’ on his silver spoon and riding his pet unicorn. Makes me feel like cryin’.”
As the furore developed and the Queen threatened to intervene, Home Office spokeshole and official oil-on-troubled-water-pourer, Paul Sopwith issued a statement from Westminster.
He said, “It is only fair that Royal Baby X be treated the same as any other benefits-seeking parasite who remains in the UK without proper right of residence. Our investigations show that this child has no visible income, has a foreign-born mother who works without a permit and a father who is ostensibly unemployed. The cost to the taxpayer of supporting Royal Baby X until he is old enough to get a free pass to Eton and Sandhurst is incalculable. Polo lessons alone will cost more than £1 million!”
That's that then
RFN checked with someone who knows a bit about the law and he told us that according to what he’d read on Buzzfeed, a married couple with one foreign-born partner who wish to live and work in the UK must have a minimum earned income of £27,000 per year. Because Prince Harry and Meghan have no jobs and their income is a ‘gift’ from the Royal Lists, they have no earnings and therefore fail to meet the threshold. That means Meghan and Royal Baby X must go.
As the Duke and Duchess of Sussex retreated into private refuge with their baby and restricted themselves to three TV interviews per hour, MPs voiced their anguish or support for deportation. Not surprisingly, the Labour party were promoting a swift removal of what they see as another ‘silk pursed mouth’ sucking on the country’s teat.
Frank Purdue, Labour MP for Darlington South summed up the opposition’s stance: “This baby is an insult to the working class. Never done a day’s work in his life. Has no idea how the people who form the backbone of the country are suffering under Tory austerity. He’s just another privileged, Conservative supporter intent on a hard Brexit whilst living the life of Riley. Labour says ‘out’ now."
This hard-line approach was rebuffed by Mark Bollinger, Conservative MP for Tunbridge Wells: “Royal Baby X is already making a gigantic contribution to the welfare of the nation. He has sold millions of extra copies of Hello Magazine and flag sellers are reporting a boom. We see no reason why a powerhouse of the economy should be removed. He is making the mundane lives of the plebs significantly better.”
It remains unclear if Border Patrol will move to remove Royal Baby X in the coming days. Protocol indicates that the Daily Mail decides government policy and reports from inside the organ reveal that the newspaper is already preparing a 32-page ‘Oooh, ah, ain’t he a wonder’ Royal Baby X supplement every weekend for the next six months. It seems unlikely that the publishers will consent to deportation when there is so much money to be made.
Additionally, the Daily Mail is currently campaigning for the speedy removal of all women who have an abortion in the UK, be they citizens or not. Supporting the deportation of a baby would therefore run against current editorial insanity.
'Avin' a shag
On a bright note, RFN has learned that the defunct baby-care store Mother Care is considering a relaunch due an expected surge in new babies in nine months’ time, as the nation’s unwashed copy Aitch and Meg and start shagging like mad.
Royal Baby X supports a People’s Vote.