• The Guys In The Kitchen

"We MUST rebuild Hadrian’s Wall!"

Scotland is a ‘hostile force’. The English Government MUST rebuild Hadrian’s Wall – and then make Scotland pay for it.


From our guest columnist, Tory MP and Brexit frotheteer, Charles Babbington-Fogg.


Built in AD122 by Roman garrisons, Vallum Hadriani was the mighty barrier that kept Britannia safe from the tyranny of uncouth barbarians north of the border.


Running from the Tyne in the east to the Solway of Firth in the west, the 73 miles long stone obstacle kept order, prevented cattle rustling, removed the ugly sight of people painted blue from female gaze and ensured that inedible foods like haggis never darkened the sweet manors of England. It was an amazing success which only failed when Roman arch-communist Mussolini cut the funding that had kept the wall going for more than 5,000 years. Socialism at its puerile best!


Now, however, thanks to the progressive insights of patriots like myself, rightist, right-thinking groups within the Conservative Party and the support of sympathetic patrons like discount supermarket chain Food Trough, we are on the cusp of bringing the Wall back.

Wall supporters demonstrate in the Lake District.

No unwashed

If our demands are met, a state of the art ‘super wall’ complete with moat, drawbridge, portcullis and turret towers that will keep the Scots out and England in, will begin construction by 2021. This will be a modern marvel. It will keep us safe, shut out the unwashed to the north and establish England’s reputation as a ‘nation of the world’ post-Brexit.


Many doctors have asked me why I feel so strongly about the Wall. These people are usually readers of the failing Guardian and are thus misguided. The facts speak for themselves:


The facts

More than one million illegal immigrants enter England via Scotland every year. They are criminals who import illicit drugs, provoke violence and suck up the best English jobs such as picking shiny pieces of metal from overflowing landfills.


Scotland uses the Euro. A misleading and unstable currency. This affects our great English Pound and threatens our money’s value when we transfer to the US Dollar system after Brexit.


Scottish men wear no underwear beneath their skirts. This is a risk to the mental stability of fair English maidens. One careless bend-over is it all it takes for a young girl to lose her innocence forever.

Tosser

Scottish men toss cabers. They are tossers.


Scotland uses slave labour from third-world nations to grow whiskey and distil smoked salmon. These products are then dumped on the English via shady deals with backstreet market traders. English growers and distillers are stuck with outdated minimum wage laws introduced under the Blair junta. They are forced to pay as much as £3 an hour for skilled help. Our honest producers are thus unable to compete on price.


The Scottish speak a mangled and strange noise. It is not a language. How many great writers, inventors or poets have ever come from that shabby country? None!


I could go on and on, (and I do in my latest book, ‘There’s a Reason We Have White in the English Flag’, £12.99p, Schizoid Press), but I think the point is made. Scotland is abominable, it is hostile, it is an aberration of nature. We must divorce ourselves from it. The Wall is essential.


Get a Wall free!

Finally, to answer critics who say the proposed construction cost of £5 billion is too high, I point out that the Wall will cost England nothing. The Wall will be paid for by Scotland. Their desire to trade with England as it becomes the most powerful economic force in the solar system post-Brexit, will mean that Scotland will readily accept our import tariffs and market access fees. We estimate that the cost of the Wall will be recouped within 30 days of its completion and that it will go on to generate more than £1 trillion per year to the public purse. It will be the greatest windfall for England since our colonisation of India in 1066.


Support the Wall. Support safety. Support my madcap bid to lead the Conservative Party back to the 1890’s.


Next – we MUST re-dig Offa’s Dyke!

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