US 2020: Trump challenged by “Total douche”.
In a stunning twist on a set plan, Trump’s grip on the Republican nomination is put at risk by an even flimsier douche-bag.
He believed he was untouchable, that nobody in Republican circles would challenge his assumed claim on the nomination for US President in 2020, but on Friday, commander in chief, Donald J Trump suddenly ran into a powerful line of resistance.
Coming from the great state of Texas, a red heartland that buys MAGA trucker caps by the ton, the challenger is diminutive, a bit wet and a political lightweight. However, unlike Trump, the new kid on the block is whole-heartedly supported by women, never makes racist comments and can claim an association with female genitals that is warmly welcomed. The name of this refreshing alternative is easy to remember – Swisho-Jet by Corelle.
Swisho-Jet, or as he prefers to be called, Swisho, is made of rubber, vinyl and synthetic leather made from God knows what. Standing just over 10 inches tall and capable of holding a pint and a half of water or other type of washing fluid, Swisho has a 36 inches long hose for reaching into those hard-to-reach places. His skin colour is a non-supremacist pink.
Among his female supporters, Swisho is referred to as a ‘dream’, ‘very clean’ and better than using a dildo to obtain climax. A recent Gallup Poll found he had a commanding 87% approval rating amongst female voters, rising to 93% when the trans gender electorate is included. His popularity amongst men is unknown, but a non-scientific poll by RFN across 1300 American males of all stripes found little negativity and a grudging respect for Swisho’s commitment to ‘getting a dirty job done.’
All of this is incredibly bad news for Trump. With his overall US approval rating sagging into the low 20’s and only his hardcore posse of retarded followers keen to keep him in office, the incumbent may find that come the Republican Party Convention in the autumn of 2020, he’s no longer in the running.
Why is Swisho so popular? RFN asked political commentator Marlene Johnson of the Burlington Institute in Washington DC. She said, “The Republican Party has never been a ‘one-douche’ collective. There’s always been a huge number of douche-bags in the party. However, Swisho is the original, ‘total douche’. He cannot be challenged on this and his goal to Make America’s Fannies Fragrant Again, (MAFFA), is easy to understand. He’s never been accused of grabbing pussies, he does not lie when his packaging says, ‘one swish gives the sweetest wish’ and he works across all ethnic lines. There’s literally nothing to dislike about the guy.”
But who is backing the upstart? Colene Ronson at the Office for Internal Affairs in San Francisco offered some insight. “Swisho has the support of major rubber and plastics manufacturers across the nation. This brings big money, unlimited cross-promotional opportunities and an understanding of exactly what makes women tick to the battlefield. It’s a formidable package.”
She also indicated that Swisho’s supporters are clearly in the game for more than just a clean set of bottom front parts. They see huge financial value in Swisho’s rise to the White House. With presidential endorsement, US demand for ladies personal cleaning apparatus is estimated to rise from $13bn per year to a remarkable $9 trillion by 2022. Potential worldwide sales could easily eclipse the global sum currently spent on food and shelter.
Full frontal attack
What can Trump do to blunt this assault on his corner of the douche-bag sector? Clearly, the President has set out a strong stall, making his own claim to be the biggest douche of all time hard to beat. However, observers are doubtful that uttering racist remarks, being pig-ignorant, supporting Nazis and telling lies 3,000 times a day will be enough. Mike Pitlock, Professor of Shamelessness at the Spudulah University in Tuber City, Idaho, summed it up: “Trump may have the edge in sheer divisiveness, but he’s essentially a one-trick pony. On the other hand, Swisho's brain is bigger and he has a flexible message, a light feel and a certain inner warmth that Trump cannot match. The US is ready for the perfect douche. In a straight up fight, I see Swisho squirting ahead.”
However, in a determined bid to cast his rival in a bad light, Trump lit into Swisho in a campaign rally in Mississippi on Saturday afternoon. “This washed-up loser. He admits to touching millions of women improperly. He’s dangerous. Dirty. A sexual predator. If he thinks wonderful, powerful American women are so filthy, he should go back whatever shithole he comes from and wash the women there. Let him swish that. Swisho. No-no. Send him back.”
As the crowd foamed at their mouths and urinated in their pants, they screamed, "Send him back" repeatedly. In typical fashion, Trump said nothing for 13 seconds and then moved on to Swisho’s lack of experience in the hotel industry. Later, the President denied inciting the crowd and rejected that he was guilty of baggicism. “I did not agree with that chant. I didn’t like it. There was no collusion.” Fact checkers immediately added this comment to the daily lie book.
Stone cold certainty
Will Swisho prevail to face whichever of the 187 Democratic candidates gains their party’s nomination? Only time will tell. However, one thing’s for sure, if he wins the election in November next year, Swisho will be the first inanimate object ever promoted to high office and the first leader of a major nation with less humanity than Theresa May.
Swisho is not to be confused with Washo, the male scrotal bath currently on sale at Poundland.