TRUMPGATE: Leaked papers suggest US President "Guilty as sin".
Despite his claims of ‘total exoneration’ by Robert Mueller’s dud investigation, newly found documents may prove the embattled world leader is a criminal deadbeat.
He says it’s fake news. His pocketed Attorney General says ‘there’s nothing to see here’. His supporters say their man is a target of a pinko vendetta, and the rest of the world says they’ve had enough of the bullshit. However, a stunning revelation on Wednesday could still see The Donald behind bars before long.
Papers discovered in a New Jersey landfill have blown the lid off the US President’s claims to innocence. Apparently discarded during a spring clean of his offices at Trump Tower, the documents cast a shadow across the entire career of Donald J Trump.
Now in the hands of FBI investigators for the Southern Region of New York, a secret source named Ron Accosta has told RFN that the papers appear to show Trump’s complicity in a slew of major crimes. Saying that the President is as "Guilty as sin", Accosta claimed the more outrageous evidence reveals;
Trump caused the 2008 financial crash by buying $17.2 billion in real estate on his Visa credit card and then shirking on the bill. Was responsible for the murder of Columbian druglord Pablo Escobar in 1993 because the cartel refused Trump naming rights on crack cocaine. Kidnapped John Paul Getty III in 1973 and demanded a $17 million ransom to fund his foundering casino empire. Murdered US President John F Kennedy in 1963 to prevent the administration rescinding Trump’s military draft waiver for ‘bone spurs’. Burned down the Reichstag in 1933 because it was an ‘ugly, ugly building,’ and prevented Apollo 13 from reaching the moon because Trump was in negotiations with the Russians on a long-term lunar lease.
If charged and found guilty for these crimes, Trump could spend up to 32,745 years in federal prison, (less 15% off for good behaviour).
Yadda yadda yadda
Reacting to the seriousness of the allegations, the White House has immediately launched a counterattack. In a speech last night to an assembly of Trump loving journalists from Fox News and online cesspool InfoWars, the Press Secretary, Sarah Sanders Huckabee said, “This is just more fake news from the Democratic Party’s lapdog media. The President has recently been exonerated of all crimes since the dawn of time and even if he has murdered a few people, it’s a small price to pay for The Wall. The administration demands that Mexico be found guilty of all these accusations if they're found to be true.”
At a pre-golf rally in Nevada today, Trump spoke about the allegations and dismissed them as ‘the work of losers and non-beautiful people’. He went on to rev up his base with new claims that former US President Barack Obama was responsible for the Chernobyl nuclear meltdown in 1986 and asked the adoring crown of shitkickers, “Where were the prosecutors then, people? This is real Russian collusion. Lock him up!”
A spokesman for President Obama told RFN that Trump’s claim was, “Total crapola. The man is a dickwad.”
However, despite his denials and efforts to deflect the damaging impact of the accusations, Trump is now facing years of further legal scrutiny and the lingering shadow of impeachment. House Congressman, Harvey Pewker, (D – Connecticut), posted a Tweet shortly before RFN went to press that said, ‘Trump biggest murderer since Hitler. Impeach now!’ It was instantly picked up and retweeted around the world with the hashtag, #trumpishitler2
Meanwhile, FBI forensics teams are combing the NJ landfill for more incriminating evidence. Word has it that a recovered piece of ancient pottery indicates that Trump may be the evil mastermind behind the genocide of the Incas.
‘Trump’ in the long-lost Incan language of Quechuan means ‘orange weapon of death’.