TRUMP TO BRASS: “Surround everybody everywhere with everything we do got!”
Yesterday, in an audacious military action, President Trump presented executive order 1278PAR72 to the Pentagon. He has demanded full and immediate mobilisation to surround and subdue the 7.4 billion people who live outside the United States.
Under pressure at home from an aggressive Democrat-controlled House, possible criminal charges, wobbly public support and closure of the McDonalds closest to the White House, Trump’s action is seen as a classic deflection play taken direct from the despot’s handbook. (Berlin Press, 1933).
However, the sheer scope of the move has taken the entire world by surprise, with political shockwaves reverberating from Ankara to Angus’ Bar and back again.
In London, a predictably defiant Theresa May stood outside Number 10, with a cigar clamped between her teeth, and a bulldog straining on a leash, as she said, “Special relationship or not, we will fight them on the beaches.” In Beijing, the Communist Party has reacted with a 7 years plan to defeat Trump. In Paris, French President Emmanuel Macron has immediately offered to surrender and in Russia, Putin has moved to Defcon 19, the second highest level and only one notch below ‘Jesus H Christ On a Bike!’
Trump, however, remained unconcerned. Stating that this would, “absolutely secure a wonderful and beautiful security situation for Great America!” he gloried in his actions from the comfort of his luxo resort, Mar A Bonko, whilst watching sales of red MAGA trucker caps soar into the stratosphere.
Meanwhile, top brass at the Pentagon were left struggling to work out how they will deliver this command. Five-star general Chuck Hades said the order was, “Fucking nuts. Totally loono,” and Head of the Airforce Bobby Winchester declared the request as, “Impossible”.
He may be right. Simple calculations reveal that no current army is large enough to contain every other country in the world. A Pentagon spokesperson stated that the best the US could hope to do at this time was ‘park some jeeps at a few intersections and look tough’. It remains unclear if this will be enough to cow all non-American heathens on the planet.
Calf baked responses
RFN called Washington DC and spoke to Vice President Mike Pence. The God-fearing VP stated that he had only learned of Trump’s action that morning as he sat on the can listening to the Messiah Channel. When we asked him if this over-reaching command was a step too far, Pence sucked on his teeth and then said, “We had a cow on the farm once, gave birth to a little ‘un with two heads. Darndest thing.” RFN is still trying to clarify what that comment meant.
Over at the White House, the Communications Secretary held an emergency press conference where she said, “it was a great day for America. This has nothing to do with Russian collusion.”