TRUMP TAXES: The dog ate them.
Running short on reasons to hide his tax returns from public scrutiny, the US President falls back on a proven formula.
Ever since the Republican Party lost control of the House of Representatives last November, the White House has been bracing for the worst. On Wednesday, it finally arrived. With all previous excuses to withhold his tax returns from review having been disavowed, Donald Trump has been forced to use the oldest trick in the book to keep them private.
Out of ammo
As the House steadily negated the President’s ‘reasons’ to keep the tax returns hidden - including a spurious claim to ‘audit’, a pathetic plea for Presidential privacy, a leery nod to the fact that Richard Nixon didn’t show his returns either and finally, Trumps insane statement that he ‘had a bad dream about the lookers’, the President ran out of bullets.
Balding bald-faced liar
In a last desperate act to keep details of his personal finances out of the hands of the powerful House Ways and Means Committee, Trump turned to his pocketed Attorney General, William Barr.
Speaking from a confessional booth at the St.Melania Church of the Antichrist in central Washington DC, the ex-General said, “The President cannot show his tax returns at this time for the simple reason that the dog has eaten them.”
Amid gasps and uproar from the gathered media, Jim Shawcross of CNN managed to make himself heard. He shouted, “The President does not have a dog!”
Barr looked dismayed that his clever ruse had been so quickly exposed. Rapidly moving towards the exits and fending off calls for a detailed answer, he was heard to mutter something that sounded like, “Fucking dope. No fucking dog!”
As soon as the charade was exposed, new calls for Trump’s impeachment and questions about his fitness for office rang out. Some of them from unexpected quarters. Mary Shelly, Head of Communications for the American Kennel Club posted a statement on Twitter saying that ‘we are appalled that the leader of the free world would besmirch the honesty of man’s best friend in a brazen attempt to avoid legal precedent. Dishonouring dogs must be an impeachable offence!”
Even previously loyal Trump supporters were stunned at their hero’s falsehoods. Peggy Lyer, senior anchor on Fox News morning show, ‘Trump Suckers’ laid it all on the line when she said, “This is something else, folks. There ain’t a dog in the country gonna vote for The Donald now.”
However, always at his most bullish when taking fire, Trump refused to be browbeaten by the tirade levied against him. Speaking to reporters as he waddled towards the Presidential helicopter on the White House lawn last night, he brushed off the world’s anger, saying, “Since when do you need a dog to get your most private documents eaten by one? Witch hunt!”
Strangely enough, no member of the canine world has yet come forward to speak out in defence of their species. RFN managed to talk to a pug called Benny that was taking a pee against a Volvo in the street outside the office. We asked him what he thought about Trump laying blame on an innocent, make-believe mutt. Benny said, “I’m a dog. I just eat and sleep a lot.”
We knew it
An official at the IRS, the US central tax authority spoke off the record early today. Looking both ways to ensure he was not overheard, he whispered “I’ve seen the returns. There’s not much there. The guy’s fucking broke.”
Donald Trump’s subscription to Fat Nazi magazine has been cancelled due to their inability to collect his $45 payment.