• The Guys In The Kitchen

TRUMP’S WALL: Phase one makes America safe again.

President Trump delivers his wall on the US Southern Border. Observers describe it as ‘rustic’.


After more than two years fighting Congress, a hostile media, lawyers, judges and members of his own White House, Donald Trump stood alongside the first section of his new US border wall today and declared victory.

Great Wall of America keeping God's country safe.

Standing on an upturned crate that once housed a US war veteran and clad in an XXXXL uniform of the US Border Guard, Trump said, “They said it could not be done. I got it done. Done it is. Very well done. Done to death. This is the start of a new day in Great America. No more criminals. No more drug runners. No more collusion. No more beautiful cheap fruit for sad millions.”


A Texas welcome.

The wall, a stone and mortar construction hand-built by contracted Honduran labour, is located some 50 yards from the Rio Grande river and approximately 10 miles east of Brownsville, Texas. It has been built in the Norman style and currently stands 3 feet high and stretches for almost 17 feet along the border. Its estimated price tag is $19 billion and counting.

Trump points out 'walk through' feature of wall.

Awesome barrier

Wall construction experts have variously described the barrier as ‘rustic’ and ‘pretty’. While the White House Press Secretary called it ‘fucking awesome’. However, how effective it will be in preventing illegal immigrants from crossing into the US remains to be seen.


As Trump was winding up his speech with a verbal attack on the Democratic Party and a promotion for his new resort in Puerto Rico, a family of five Mexican nationals appeared from the river's edge and scampered past the Presidential stage. Trump pointed at the departing immigrants as he shouted to the gathered press corps, “See. It’s already working. Yesterday, that would have been a caravan of 20,000 rapists!”


Off his trolley

Meanwhile, as the President celebrated what he called the ‘the world's greatest construction project since my last one’, with an all-you-can-stuff BBQ fiesta serving Tex-Mex food and featuring a Diet Coke fountain courtesy of Pepsi, Trump’s opponents were lining up to criticise his achievement. First out of the gate was House Leader, Nancy Pelosi, who condemned the wall as, “A waste of public money. Complete shit” and, “Five lined-up shopping carts would have done the job.”


Tear down that wall!

The right Reverend Jesse Jackson, always keen to promote justice and liberty for minorities if it brings publicity and donations for his mega church, The Holy Saint of Neiman Marcus, staged a protest rally some five miles from the wall. There, speaking before a vast throng of dozens, he called upon right-thinking people everywhere to, “Take the stones of Trump and cast them into the eternal damnation pit that is Mar-A-Largo. Let not one man stand before God and proclaim a golf handicap of 2.8 whilst he does crush the hopes and dreams of billions. The wall is the work of the anti-Christ. May God make it fall.” The sermon continued for a further three hours.


Barbed comments.

Meanwhile, at the local level, RFN spoke to Harley Brash, a farmer whose farm abuts the new Tump defence system. We asked him what he thought about it. After escorting us off his property he shouted from the farm gate, “Don’t work none too well. Buncha drug mules carryin’ Mexican brown came over two days ago. Walked around that new wall like it weren’t even there. Luckily, I stopped ‘em further on with fifty bucks worth a’ razor wire. Cain’t beat a good, solid barb.”


Block-age.

President Trump is currently seeking to declare April 1st a national holiday to recognise ‘The Great Wall of America.’ An unnamed White House source said it seemed appropriate, as Trump knows all about obstruction.


Phase two of the wall is set to begin in June 2032.

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