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  • The Guys In The Kitchen

TORY PLOTS: Best ditches selling like hot cakes.

As Boris Johnson promotes dying in a ditch, ditch prices soar.

All it took to spur the latest insane UK property rush was the sight of beleaguered PM Boris Johnson saying how much he’d prefer to die in a ditch than go back to the EU and ask for a Brexit extension.

Illegal labourers are being brought in to satisfy the sudden demand for ditch burials.

No sooner had the words bumbled their way past Johnson’s generous lips, than farmers began offering ditches on eBay at exorbitant prices. Muddy channels that had hitherto been worth nothing, were soon trading for £25,000 or more. One farmer, who claimed his ditches were adjacent to the ancient battlefield of Hastings, was selling a water-logged rut for £5,000 per inch.

Agents Provocateur

Expecting mass suicides by many Government Cabinet Ministers when they realised that they were compelled by law to ask for a Brexit extension, major UK estate agents also joined the fray.

Knight, Flunk and Nutley, a nationwide chain who promise their sellers ‘100% bullshit without the bull’, led the way by strategically captured prime ditches in electoral wards held by members of the Cabinet. After posting their watery properties online, Knight Flunk then promoted the plots in a series of racy online ads. The 15 second videos showed lithe young women disrobing to nudity whilst standing in a ditch. They were accompanied by the headline, “Soft, moist and to die for.”

By midnight, the best videos had been viewed more than ten million times – with more than 30,000 viewings recorded to a single IP address in North East Somerset, home to the parliamentary seat held by Leader of the House of Commons and key member of the Enthusiastically Rabid Group, or ERG, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Pissed off

With concern mounting over burial plots in what are essentially drainage channels, official opposition was not long coming.

The Funeral UK Union, a trade body that protects the monopoly rights of its members to handle dead bodies, issued a statement on Twitter. It said, ‘Whilst accepting that the prospect of interring Westminster’s most duplicitous bastards in a fetid silage channel is attractive, FUKU cannot support the notion. It is against Christian laws, runs foul of environmental laws and will stink up the countryside. No farmer should accept short-term gain at the cost of a rotting Conservative Minister despoiling their fertile, chemical-laden pastures.” It was linked to the hashtag, #Stopthetorystink

Caught off guard by this new trend in final resting places, the Church of England were late to issue their own protest. On Sunday, whilst not admitting to being a representative for the Bishop of Canterbury, Mary Shitehouse, of the Kent Christian Church Association, told RFN that, “The Bish is well pissed-off. That Boris bloke has really put the cat among the pigeons. He’s got no idea how much his burial arrangements will hurt the God industry. If people start being put away all over the place, where will it lead? Next thing you know, we’ll be flushing Grandpa down the bog.”

The hole truth

Typically, those with the most to gain could see no wrong in their chance to ride the wave. In a scientific poll, RFN asked three UK farmers if they were supportive of burying their elected leaders in an overpriced and slushy hole next to a field of rapeseed. 100% said yes.

Norman Bebbitt: "We's ready to puts 'em all aways."

Surrey farmer Norman Bebbitt, the owner of a 200 acres farm in Esher and Walton – the ward of Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab - was most enthusiastic. With more than five miles of ditch up for sale as burial plots, enough to inter 4400 members of the Cabinet, he's bullish about this new business opportunity. “We’s got plenny of room for awl those fuggahs in Lunnun down ‘ere. My son Thomas is already n’ waitin’ with the backhoe. Bring ‘ems down, an’ we’s put the bastahds aways. No questions arsked, if youse knows whart I’s means.”

RFN’s requests to Boris Johnson for an update on his after-life arrangements had not been returned as we went to press. However, a No.10 insider told this journal that as of 11.00am today, the PM had been very active on Rightmove.

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