• The Guys In The Kitchen

TORY LEADERSHIP: Police called to home of Mr. Blobby in late night altercation.

London’s finest raced to the scene of a midnight bust-up at the home of Tory frontrunner Mr.Blobby. Police said afterwards, “Nothing to see here, please bumble along.”

Blobby with some of the £350m he lied about.

At a few minutes after midnight on Thursday, Metropolitan Police responded to a 999 call from a concerned neighbour, after she heard loud bangs, crashes, screams and nonsensical gibberish coming from the next-door flat in her mansion block in genteel South Kensington. It is the current home of Conservative Party leadership race front runner, Mr.Blobby.

262B Altrincham Gardens is a first-floor apartment in an elegant Victorian building set on a leafy street. It has been the home of Mr.Blobby since he split with his wife of 28 years, Mrs. Booby, in 2017. Blobby shares the flat with his current girlfriend and prime totty, Ms. Careless Summons. She is said to be 24 years his junior and a lover of bullshit and Ready Brexit breakfast food.

Ms. Summons at window of flat, possibly in a sheer nightie! Phwoar!r!

The neighbour, Angela Smirkle, a professor at LSE and believed to be of German heritage, said she heard what sounded like an altercation sometime after 11.30pm. She said there were a series of loud bangs, crashes and smashing noises, followed by a voice she definitely recognised as belonging to Ms. Summons shouting, “You fucking fat moron! Get your disgusting arse out of my knickers!” This was followed by a voice that Ms.Smirkle identified as that of the Conservative MP. He was shouting, “Blobby, blobby, blobby, bobble, booble, blobby!”

Ms. Smirkle’s boyfriend, Arthur Crown confirmed her observations, adding that the final straw came when a large custard pie was thrown from a window of Blobby’s flat. It splattered on top of their Prius parked below. “We felt it was correct to call the police, as it seemed the argument was getting quite nasty. These days, you never know what people may do.”

Mr.Blobby has been accused of hurling semi-playful objects in the past, but no charges have ever been brought, despite copious video evidence.

After responding to the emergency call, Metropolitan Police initially refused to admit they had been at Blobby’s residence. RFN revealed pictures of armed police offers at the flat, a copy of the 999 call transcript, audio tape that contained Blobby and Ms.Summons calling each other vile names, and an affidavit from Ms. Smirkle and Mr. Crown. When presented with this material, Chief Inspector John Law said, “Oh, that domestic call out? Yeah, we did that one.”

Police photo of 'green goo' removed from home of Mr. Blobby and Ms. Summons.

An official statement released by the Met on Friday said that after responding to the call, they entered the flat and were assured that both inhabitants were safe. They refused to name any of the residents but admitted that a large bucket of green goo was taken away for forensic analysis.

Mr. Blobby is in a tight two-horse race to win the Tory Leadership contest and become the nation’s next PM. His opponent, former Minister for Chaos, James Cunt, is trailing Blobby by a large margin as the pair go into the final voting round of Tory lunatics in the last week of July. Bookmakers have Blobby favourite to win, with odds of 2/10 against. Mr. Cunt is an outside choice at 100/1.

Blobby has promised to maintain the UK’s premier position of World laughing-stock by ensuring he takes the nation out of the EU on October 31st without a deal. His main claim to fame thus far is an empty promise to give Billy Smart’s Circus an extra £350m a week and wasting £43m on fantasy plans for a bridge across the Atlantic.

RFN spoke to Reg Gutteridge, 29, a homeless person who was having a kip in the private gardens opposite Blobby’s flat at the time of the incident. He said he ‘heard it all’ as the flat windows were open. He went on to say he knew it was Blobby and Ms. Summons having a cow, because he heard her screaming, “You fucking pink bastard!” several times. Her commands for Blobby to leave the flat were met with a loud farting noise.

Mr. Gutteridge drinks Tennant’s Extra Strength and suffers from delusions of becoming a Daily Telegraph columnist.