TECHXIT: Big Tech to take control of Brexit.
Google, Facebook, Twitter and other tech companies form a rare alliance to get Brexit done on behalf of the incompetent UK Government. Cookies will come as standard.
For the first time ever, major Tech titans have put away their intense rivalry and made a sweeping offer to come the aid of the floundering British Government and get Brexit done and dusted.
At a press conference held in the Novochok Ballroom at the Premier Inn opposite GCHQ in Cheltenham, Google CEO Sundar Pichai, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, Twitter chief Jack Dorsey, Sean Rad from Tinder, Yahui Zhou of Grindr and Noel and Darren McKee from webuyanycar.com made an open declaration to Theresa May: ‘Let us do it. You are shit’.
In a compelling slide presentation, complete with options to date various good-looking men, women and transgender persons or trade in your old banger for hard cash, the Tech team laid out an impressive plan to take control of the UK’s departure from the EU under the snappy title of TECHXIT.
You will like it
Speaking for the group, Mark Zuckerberg 17, said, “Only we know what really makes the UK population and the leaders of all 27 European nations tick. We know what people do, what they think, what they eat, what porn they’re watching. We’re in a unique position to ensure a Techxit deal that delivers something great for everyone.”
Sundar Pichai added, “Where there are difficult minds to convince, certain politicians from Northern Ireland know who we mean, we will be able to make sure they do what we ask. Our record speaks for itself and our detailed records of the behaviour of these persons speaks for itself. We expect fast agreement to co-operate.”
Highlights of the generous offer were provided by text messages hidden behind a paywall and pop-up ads for cruise holidays, sheer men’s underwear, glue that never gives up and something called a ‘Showza’. The details of Techxit include:
Departure date moved to 29 March 2119 to allow for upgrades, software patches and integration of ‘stunning new emoji excitement’.
UK to stay in single market, customs union, remain under jurisdiction of European courts, hold MEP elections and basically, keep everything as it is, but call it the ‘next big thing’.
UK to pay an extra £100 billion per year into EU coffers as cost of developing ‘European Union 2.0’.
No penalties for Tech titans in the event they fail to deliver anything other than a highly infectious virus.
Taxes and data controls removed from EU Government and passed to Tech companies to decide what’s fair.
Lots of Union Jack screen savers and mouse pads offered at low, low, prices.
Europeans who engage in online dating to need an ‘intercourse’ permit, available from Tech companies at the price of US$350 per night.
All UK and EU citizens required to join a central data hub and relinquish all personal information under penalty of death.
There was more, but a systems bug permanently wiped it off the server.
Signing off for the group, Sean Rad offered a proposition to Leave supporters, “Brexit is not hot. It’s not sexy. It’s a dog. Swipe left to dump it and swipe right to do it with Techxit tonight.” In the hotel lobby, a small group of protestors led by ex-employees of MySpace, called for a Referendum on big Tech’s offer. Passers-by were seen tossing the group’s leaflets into a very large trash can.
Something for the weekend
As RFN went to press, reports were coming in of a late challenge to Techxit from the UK's legions of sex workers. The tireless men, women, boys and girls who form the backbone of Britain's 'pay as you come' industry are poised to launch an alternative bid to manage the UK's departure from the EU under the banner Sexit. They say they are the most qualified people in the nation to handle this important task, as they are already used to being fucked every which way to Sunday.