top of page
  • The Guys In The Kitchen

STORM BAZZA: This could be the big one!

In these last days of winter, the UK is under threat from a monster storm that’s brewing in the Atlantic. The Met Office calls it a ‘friggin' whopper’.

Bazza big and nasty

At 13.17 hours yesterday, the London Met Office issued an emergency storm warning, stating that a ‘cyclonic, wrath of God depression’ is sighting itself up to give the United Kingdom a kicking in the early hours of Friday.

Codenamed Storm Bazza, the Met goes on to say that this mega-storm is by far the biggest and most threatening force to aim at the British Isles since 1066. Caravans and high-sided vehicles are advised to get undercover, nail themselves down and cancel the papers.

Jesus Christ!

Projected to strike Northern Ireland first, purely because the DUP deserves it, Bazza will unleash winds in excess of 600mph, drive hail the size of beach balls and unleash the Kraken from its lair.

Having devastated Londonderry and Belfast, the storm – a whirling mass the size of Jupiter – will then mash Manchester, bounce Birmingham, cock up Coventry and roll south before knackering itself near Oxford and easing into London in time for a Pimms No.1 amid a smattering of weak sunshine. The Met Office described Bazza’s pitiful end game as ‘typical shit for the smug bastards in London.’


Damage to infrastructure is expected to be ginormous, with trains, planes and yes, automobiles, all buggered up and unable to go anywhere. Food shortages are estimated to be extreme outside the M25, with provincial mobs reduced to eating their own babies in a quest to stem starvation.

Glitter pens could cost more.


RFN discussed the storm with HM Treasury spokeshole Kevin McGrand. He seemed relaxed as he said, “Financial losses will be felt everywhere outside the capital. The plebs will face job losses on a par with the Great Depression and it is likely that retailers will react in panic. Even Poundland may have to raise prices of staples such as low-frizz hair dye, glitter pens and out of date biscuits. We are forecasting a 75% drop in the pound, 50% off the Footsie and a reduction in GDP this year in the order of 80%. Otherwise, the outcome of Bazza is not so bad.”

We're fucked

In Parliament, a rushed bill was debated by the 11 members present. It would have provided up to £250,000 to repair all damage caused by Bazza in the North East. The motion was defeated by 10 votes to 1. A second bill, promising a 20% pay raise for MPs, plus emergency meal vouchers from swanky restaurant The Ivy, was unanimously approved.

Time to give up then

RFN visited a B&Q superstore in Scunthorpe to see how the public were preparing for what portends to be the worst calamity since Brexit to hit the UK. We found a man in gardening checking out the lawnmowers and a young couple were in kitchens and bathrooms admiring a ‘paperless’ toilet. The store was elsewhere empty. We purchased a plastic bucket for just £1.99p.

Storm Bazza is 6 days old, likes disco music and re-runs of the Chuckle Brothers.

bottom of page