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  • The Guys In The Kitchen

SPIVIT: DoT in £13.8m contract with black marketeers.

After giving a ferry contract to a firm with no ferries, DoT announced today that it was employing an ‘army of Spivs’ to help in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

Coming to the rescue in a catastrophic exit from the EU on March 29th, the Department of Transport has turned to well-known Smugglers, Spivs and Shysters to keep Britain’s essential goods moving past chockablock ports.

As trucks are expected to tail back as far as Rotherham in the UK and Lyons in France, the DoT has moved to ensure that a constant stream of life-saving products such as Toblerone, Schnapps and Gruyere Cheese will still make it into the fast-release suitcases of seedy street-sellers and dodgy market traders.

Shifty shiftings

Standing outside The Gallipoli Centre for Trade in Whitehall, Chris Grayling, the Transport Secretary enthused about this new, backstop move. “Nobody knows how to shift stuff like these people. We remain confident that their sudden re-appearance in the supply chain will keep the shops half-full of wonderful foreign goods – all of them available without need of the new Brexit Ration Card. Anyone with tons of cash will still be able to binge on French ham, a glass of port or even a rare truffle".

Wrapping himself in a union jack and looking sjkywards as the Red Arrows flew over, he continued, "As Britain moves proudly forward into a new dark age, it will know it has the full backing of Ron, Barry and Guido and that the taxpayer’s investment of £13.8m is wisely being used to grease the wheels of Customs enforcement. This is a proud moment for the nation. Never in the annals of history will Britain have paid so much to so few as we will in coming months.”

£25 a litre for petrol. A small price to pay.

The fine print

RFN managed to secure an advance copy of the Government report on the spiv contract and after scanning its two double-spaced pages, we have learned the following:

Spivs will use hi-jacked fishing vessels, speedboats, light aircraft and drones to move just-in-time goods between the UK and EU. Movement will be conducted at night under the codename 'You Ain’t Seen Me, Right'.

Secondary distribution chains to be employed to place anything from car parts to Italian leather goods in the hands of those able and willing to pay for them. VAT and other taxes are described as a ‘muppet’s game’.

Prices may rise. The report predicts a litre of petrol at £25 and a German washing machine costing more than a seaside cottage in Clacton.

Those without funds to pay for Spivvy goods will be able to look at photos of the products they can no longer afford. Pictures are £1 each.

The contract will run for the duration of the misery – or at least a generation.

Should normal service ever resume at Dover, the Spivs will be switched to the import of rare Eastern European labour in support of Britain’s ‘Dig for Victory’ trade policy.

Opportunist arseholes

Boris Johnson, the former Foreign Secretary, pointed out a hidden Brexit Bonus in the move – as spivs and charlatans are released from jail to aid the Anti-EU War effort, there will be a saving of at least £350m a week to HM Prisons. “That would look very good on the side of my bus.” He said. “Vote Boris. He delivers.”

Later in the day, a man known to RFN asked us in the pub if we wanted any cheap Airbus parts.

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