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  • The Guys In The Kitchen

SINGALONGA BREXIT: Eurovision Song Contest to decide EU departure.

Boom Banga-Bang, and just like that, the UK finally sees a very vocal end to three years of Brexit chaos.

Face Off. Ass Tat will decide Brexit.

Saddled with a Deal that MPs will not endorse, a divided nation, a frustrated EU and bloody Boris Johnson lurking on the sidelines, Theresa May went nuclear and opted to let the outcome of Eurovision 2019 decide the Brexit break on Monday night.

With no other way forwards in sight and the dreaded 29th March Departure date looming large, Theresa May’s embattled government rolled the dice and put a new amendment of the Brexit Withdrawal Bill in front of the House of Commons.

It stated that should the UK win the 64th running of the poorly rated song competition on May 18th, Britain should be allowed to leave the EU when it felt like it and on its own terms. However, if the UK lost, then the British Isles would become a colonised dependency of France.

Bellow Bercow

At precisely 7.45pm, speaking in his trademark tenor bellow, Speaker John Bercow announced that the amendment had passed by a margin of three votes. It was a shocker. The narrow government victory meant that the fate of Brexit now rested solely on the talents of a sequinned warbler in the sing-off in Tel Aviv.

Exiting the House without speaking, The Prime Minister rushed back to number 10 to make plans for an emergency trip to travel to Brussels on Tuesday, where she will seek an extension of Article 50 that allows Eurovision 2019 to make or break the Brexit saga. In her wake, more than 600 MPs, the world media and half a billion television viewers were left in a daze. What would this mean for the tortuous Brexit debate? Would it protect the much-discussed Good Friday Agreement? Would the Backstop be dropped to the B-side? Would the UK song entry, ‘Got a Tat On My Ass’ by the Essex singer Honey Taylaw be enough to give the UK the EU cake and still let them eat it?


Deejays reckon the UK is on a loser

With no further word coming from Whitehall or Downing Street, RFN took to the airwaves to get a solid, political opinion. Our first call was to BBC Radio One Deejay and host of the 6.00am Drive In show, Montana Cabana. The 27 years old hunkathon said, ‘It’s scuzzy, man. Like, the tune is straight, but Honey? Nah. My money’s on Estonia and ‘Cunnylonga Five Five.’

Paul 'Duke' Bayba, head of content at Capital echoed this comment, writing off the UK’s attempt as ‘Half assed tat on her ass’ and backing the German effort from garage-punk band Panza Nine, ‘Uber Alley Deutschland’.

Only Clive Sindon at BBC North East Radio gave Britain any hope of winning and putting the UK through to a glorious future where it dominated the EU with tariff-free market access, super-hostile environment immigration policies and an extremely low-tax regime that would make the Cayman Isles look like Sweden. He said, ‘Tat On My Ass is up there with Jailhouse Rock, Stairway to Heaven and Blue Moon as an all-time classic. It must win. But, even if it doesn’t, we’ll simply go back to the EU and seek a re-run of the contest until it does.’

Bad odds

However, despite these encouraging words, the betting industry was not so confident. Ladbrokes had the UK entry at 60-1 and Betfair was offering 25-1 on Honey toppling off her standard 9” platform shoes during the first minute of her act. Only the Portuguese entry, ‘Fish Bakala’ and the folk song ‘Frykliuziabub’ from Bulgaria rated lower than Britain’s best shot.

Speaking for the opposition, a late email from Jeremy Corbyn’s office stated that the Labour party would ‘offer free Tats On Their Asses to the whole UK electorate as part of its election manifesto’ and stressed that nothing was decided until it was decided nothing could be done, ever, or at least for now, maybe.

Early on Tuesday, HMV removed copies of the new Honey Taylaw album that includes ‘Tat’ from its shelves, saying that recent bankruptcy policy did not allow it to stock propaganda material.

Honey Taylaw was too stoned to comment as RFN went to press.

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