SILLY CON VALLEY: Myface in huge bot scandal.
Under pressure from Congress, head of social media giant Myface says 99.99% of site users are “Just bots.”
In a revelation that has shaken the cocky entrepreneurs of Silicon Valley right down to their sharkskin trainers, founder, CEO and all-round big head at social media megatron Myface, Mack Bilderberg admitted yesterday that virtually all users on his site are bogus.
Stock prices of every internet company collapsed on the news.
The bombshell was delivered in Washington DC, where Bilderberg, 31, was facing a hostile Congressional panel of the all-powerful Internet-Thingy Conduct Council.
In an investigation into ‘mind manipulation’ by new media businesses, leaders of many large tech companies have already given testimony to the ITCC. However, none of them shattered the myth of social media dominance more than Bilderberg did in his latest 15 minutes of infamy.
Looking perky in a bright blue sailor suit and jelly sandals, Bilderberg seemed bemused by the outright aggression aimed his way. Whilst repeatedly deferring to the 37 lawyers who were there to counsel him, the man behind the voices of ‘billions’ looked smug and offered little new news. It was only when Senator Casey Jones, (Rep, N.Dak) demanded an answer to her question about user profiling that Bilderberg uttered his fateful words.
Peering down at Bilderberg from her raised bench, the 73 years old politician fixed him with a glare. “Mr. Bilderberg, you don’t know who really uses your platform at all, do you?” She growled.
Bilderberg stayed silent. As his attorneys moved to answer on their trillionaire client’s behalf, Jones held up a finger. “Enough!” She said. “I asked Mr. Bilderberg for an answer and he will give me one, even if I have to come down there and spank him. Answer, me sir!”
Bilderberg looked to his lawyers and asked if Jones could do what she threatened. They assured him she could. Bilderberg winced. Then he took a deep breath, blinked into the cameras and whispered, “We know who they are. Every one of them. Apart from my friends and family, all our users are…”
Jones pulled a short cane from a large handbag. “Don’t make me use this.”
Bilderberg swallowed. “…just bots, basically.”
All hell then broke loose.
The gathered media stormed for the exits as oxygen in the room was sucked up in one gigantic gasp. Members of the public were trampled underfoot. Screams and curses erupted. Bailiffs scrambled to admit more air. Papers flew, cameras were smashed, someone set light to the upper viewing floor. As smoke billowed, barely anyone noticed Bilderberg flee through a side door and into a waiting rocket which immediately took off for California.
Up on the dais, Jones remained calm. She put her cane back in her bag and said, “I fucking knew it.”
She was the only person in the world that did. A document that fell from the files of an escaping Myface lawyer was later used to prove that of the site’s claimed 2.9 billion users, only 16 were real people. They included Bilderberg’s nanny and someone he met playing Warcraft.
Sell, sell, sell
Across the globe, every internet company, from Ali Baba to Amazon and Pornhub to PunjabiBabes saw their stock values wiped out. Media companies such as Shitter, Instascam and WhatsArse collapsed, losing more than 95% of their share price. Myface was trading at 2 cents by 4.00pm, down from $1320 before Bilderberg’s announcement.
By 5.00pm, new laws rushed through Congress severely restricted the bullshit of new media industries. Myface was hit particularly hard, having its license revoked and becoming a ‘mail only’ messaging service. Users will now interact via the US Postal Service using colourful postcards. One seasoned internet observer told RFN, “Might as well get the carrier pigeons back in the coop.”
RFN’s calls to the ITCC went unanswered, but we managed to reach the security team at Myface headquarters in San Jose, California. In a prepared statement, they told us, “Go fuck yourselves.” They did not make it clear if we should post Polaroids on their corkboard of us doing that.
All 39,000 Myface employees have now been laid off and Ebay has been flooded with thousands of houses, Ferraris, ponies and rainbows for sale. ‘Buy it now’ buttons await your attention.
Mack Bilderberg is a member of the Scutt and Bones secret society and has been seen having lunch with the Devil.