RINGSIDE: Trump ‘donuts’ delight neo-nazis.
At a rally in Georgia, US President Donald Trump awed his hard-right base, by spinning donuts in the Presidential Limo.
Rule number one – if you want the President of the USA to come and endorse your re-election campaign, you’d better put his kind of food on the menu. So it was when Trump flew into an airstrip in Southern Georgia to support the struggling re-election bid of Republican Congressman Harvey Sheetz.
To get The Donald’s attendance, the word DONUTS was plastered large across the formal invitation. That was all it took to get the 385lb world leader wobbling right out of the Oval Office and onto Airforce One.
Going round in circles
However, upon arrival, the fare was found to be rather different than advertised. Instead of piling into a mountain of Krispy Kremes, Trump was told he was going to be making the donuts himself – with his car.
Open mouthed and for the first time in almost 70 years, shocked into silence, Trump listened as Sheetz explained that the adoring crowd were all ‘biker boys, gas nuts and speedfreaks.’ Drawn to the rally by the lure of free STP, the baying mob of unwashed white, fat men were slobbering at the prospect of seeing their President ‘nailin’ the fuckin’ gas pedal and puttin’ smoke in their hair.’
Without further ado, The Leader of the Free World was shoe-horned behind the wheel of the bullet-proof Presidential Limo known as ‘The Beast’. With a few instructions from on-site NASCAR legend, Lonny Donny Jr, Trump was left to let ‘er rip.
Initially slow to move, the six and half tonne vehicle was eventually coaxed above 3000 rpm and yanked into a series of tight left-hand turns. Trump’s face could be seen fearfully peeping above the wheel as he hung on for dear life. On the ninth attempt, with the audience now silent and brooding, the rear tyres lit up, smoke bloomed and circular black smears were daubed across the tarmac. Roars of appreciation and copious gunfire came back in return.
Just really, really fine
After stopping the gasping Beast, Trump stepped from the vehicle and basked in the applause. “There’s no beautiful nation greater than wonderful Great America and there’s no finer American food than real donuts.” He said as he pointed to a large contingent of Klan members and skinheads waving swastika flags. “And you people are very fine too!”
As he stood alongside Trump in the pattern of skidmarks, Sheetz grinned and spoke into camera. “It's my pleasure to ride shotgun with our President. Hell, I’d even use that shotgun on a Democrat if Mr Trump asked me to.”
Harvey Sheetz returned to his secure mental care centre before RFN could interview him. Trump detoured to Memphis on the way home to pick up dry-rub BBQ.