• The Guys In The Kitchen

PROTESTS: Extinction Rebellion dies out.

After an exhausting hours-long series of national protests, the youth-led demonstration against climate devastation has suddenly passed away.

The whole thing, 'one big drag'.

It was a comet the size of Bolivia that did for the dinosaurs. Now an altogether more benign force has killed off the Extinction Rebellion movement almost overnight.


Major drag

Shagged out from a couple of hours screaming in Oxford Street, lying down on Lambeth Bridge and gluing themselves to passing Uber minicabs, tens of thousands of young people who were fighting to save the planet have simply faded away, saying the ‘whole thing was like, a fucking, drag, y’now?’


Faced with the prospect of several hours more hard chanting to immediately to stop the world’s use of fossil-fuels, today’s youth took it on the chin, grew a pair and finally admitted that it was unrealistic to start protesting as early as 1.00pm and that they were falling behind in their Fortnite ranking.


Mad stupid

Sinead Melanie, 17 from Coventry is a typical example of the protester pushed beyond breaking point. After her Mum had driven her down from home that morning and bought her a taxi ride to the demo on Pall Mall, she was already fading fast.


“It was knackering. Mum got me up at ten. That’s stupid. I had no time to read my posts. Then we only stopped for magazines and a Frappuccino twice. In ninety miles! It was like a train to Auschwitz. I barely slept. Then we got here, and like, I’m expected to carry this cardboard sign for hours. Hours? Are they fucking mad?”


Paul Reeve, 21 from Burnley was even more succinct. RFN asked him if he intended to come back and fight for the world another day. He snorted a laugh and said, “What are you on?”

Evidence of extinct protester. May contain DNA.

Wet pants

Even as London’s streets cleared of pink boats and gaily painted pictures of rabbits, some were already picking over the remains of the extinct. Professor Carol Preest of the London School of Prehistory was on-site at Trafalgar Square and excited about her latest discovery - a stray pair of grey men’s briefs complete with soiled waistband, damp crotch and a nametag that said ‘Kevin’.


She said, “From this sample, we shall be able to rebuild a complete model of an Extinction Rebellion protester. We shall soon know exactly what they looked like, how they mated and even what they ate. It may even be possible to extract DNA and grow one in a lab.”


The rights to a new movie based on the extinction and called ‘Jurassic Park – the Young and the Pointless’ have been snapped up by Disney.

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