PEOPLE’S VOTE: Corbyn agrees to 2nd ballot.
Labour Party leader agrees to the chaos of Brexit being settled with a second vote – by denying the disallowing of denying allowing one.
May 1st, 2019. Located in a back room at the Bell End & Bare Boy pub in Westminster, senior figures from the Government and the Labour Party were deep in a cross-party huddle. As they argued over terms for a future Brexit Withdrawal Agreement, none saw Jeremy Corbyn’s bombshell coming. When it arrived, it did so with many bangs – the sound of sensible jaws dropping to the floor.
After coming close to a big 'maybe' in March and with a nod to the demands of most Labour supporters for a People’s Vote on any agreement, the Euro-phobic leader has finally held his nose and agreed to a second ballot - subject to terms that ensure it never happens.
Better said than red
Speaking at a fundraiser for Hezbollah inside the Fatwah Community Centre and Explosive Vest Factory in Brent Cross, Corbyn laid out his ‘very red under the bed lines’ for Referendum 2.0:
Firstly, a vote will only be held to confirm a Brexit deal that includes the introduction of the teachings of Karl Marx in UK schools and the national distribution of Chairman Mao’s little red book. Secondly, no vote will be allowed on any agreement that has Corbyn’s approval or disapproval. Thirdly, all votes must be made by post and delivered no later than 8.30am on May 2nd, 2019. Fourthly, the result of any vote will only be valid if it matches the demands of a Mr. J. Corbyn. Lastly, no vote will be held prior to the next visit to earth by Halley’s Comet.
If these simple guidelines can be adhered to, Corbyn said, “I have no issue with a second ballot.” Then he clarified the statement by adding, “Subject to my allowing a vote disallowing my denial of allowing one.” Members of Momentum described the move as a ‘firm commitment to set terms for a possible chance that may or may not take place,’ and ‘which could be the greatest or worst decision ever, if it is ever decided.’
Faced with this concise confusion, Tory MPs scrambled to present their own version of a vote to nowhere. Speaking for the party, senior cabinet minister and uber-logistician, Chris Grayling offered a true blue counterpunch to the socialist's shocker:
“The Conservative Party offers utmost support for a strong and stable second referendum. It has always been the Party’s goal to let the people of the United Kingdom rubber-stamp the wishes of a wealthy elite. We shall not deny them their chance. Any UK citizen who owns a right-wing newspaper, an over-rated vacuum cleaner factory, or a dodgy insurance company shall be free to agree to a withdrawal agreement decided by the Grand Wizards of the Hellfire Club. We shall abide by the pre-determined outcome.”
Not to be left out of the fun, Change UK called for the recognition of up to 40 million alternative Brexit agreements, by giving every adult in the country the option to vote for their own suggestion.
RFN’s late-afternoon call to Labour headquarters for confirmation of the non-confirmation of a confirmatory maybe was met with a taped answer that said, “We are not available to be unavailable or able to avail ourselves of your call. Please go away. Or not. As you prefer."