• The Guys In The Kitchen

ON THE BRINK: Downed US plane almost triggers Armageddon.

Coming just days after Iran shot down a US spy drone, the destruction of a further US aircraft has brought the world to the edge of nuclear war.


WASHINGTON DC. Friday: Reacting to the shock news that another of their aircraft had been deliberately blown out of the skies, the United States moved its entire military forces onto wartime footing. By raising their threat level to ‘fuck me’, the most powerful country on earth suddenly put Canada on notice: Thermonuclear war may be coming your way, buddy.


James Witkins and plane before incident.

Top fun

The incident that led to the possibility of all-out war between the US and its northern neighbour occurred at around teatime on Friday. James Witkins, aged 9, was outside in his yard in the US/Canadian border town of Schmeercagen playing ‘Top Gun’, when he accidentally pushed the world towards a terrifying conflict.


His garden, which backs up to the border wire, may yet become as iconic as whatever place it was where some Duke or somebody got shot by somebody to precipitate the First World War. According to Canadian reports, James was flying his new remote-controlled aeroplane around the yard when it crossed the wire and into Canada airspace. This instantly triggered a response from the Canadian border patrol, as by chance, Meehaw County Sheriff, Seb Fleahart was on a vape break and parked just yards away.


Sheriff Fleahart: "Fuckin' ay-rabs tryin' to kill us all, eh."

Jaysus!

Seeing the encroaching aircraft, Fleahart immediately took it as a Muslim threat to his personal safety and blew it to pieces with a shotgun. James Witkins ran screaming into his house. The Canadian authorities confirm that this is what happened and that they were well within their rights to act as they did. They refuse to compensate James for the plane, saying he was a ‘spoiled little bastard’.


This version of events is disputed by the US. They maintain that the Witkins plane was within US territorial borders when it was aggressively shot down by a ‘loose and rogue’ agent of a communist regime. The US claims it was an unprovoked act of war.


The crap stops here

As soon as President Trump was informed of the incident, he put down his five iron and marched into the clubhouse of his golf resort Mar a Fatso in Goldfinger, Florida. From there, the Commander in Chief ordered an immediate reprisal.


RFN has obtained exclusive access to a bullshit report that states the US selected three Canadian cities for a nuclear strike and was only ten minutes away from ICBM launch when Trump intervened, saying he had just learned that he had five hotels in those locations and the loss would be disproportionate to his bank account. With the countdown already well underway, the missiles were stood down and the US settled into a tense waiting game.


As RFN goes to press, it is understood that the US has already amassed over 100,000 troops on the US/Canada border, supported by armour, artillery, aircraft and a battleship.


President Trump tweeted that, “This is a beautiful army. Canadians will be so sad they shot little Jimmy’s plane. Very terrible people. No collusion. Lock Canada up!”


Tanks a lot

RFN managed to contact Mrs. Witkins by telephone shortly after nuclear war was averted. We asked her how her son had caused this potentially disastrous situation. She told us, “Jimmy only had the thing for a day. Cain’t fly for shit. Now we got the President pissed off and I got a tank in the back yard.”


A new You Tube video from right-wing internet cesspool InfoWars, depicting exploding nuclear mushrooms and the statement ‘Blow those bacon eatin’ maple syrup suckin’ motherfuckers to kingdom come’ has since gone viral with over one billion views in less than three hours.


President Trump completed his golf round and came into the clubhouse 2 under par. His opponents say he cheated.

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