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OLYMPICS: London to host 2020 ‘super-high’ diving.

Corononavirus forces Tokyo to shift 150 metre mens’ diving to London.

The world’s worst pandemic since Piers Morgan today claimed another victim – this time it was Tokyo that took the hit. Reeling from the infectious Coronavirus disease that has so far infected two people in Japan, with zero deaths, the 2020 Olympics organisers have moved one of the most prestigious sporting events to London.

Super high board at One Blackfriars.

Awesome inaugural

This summer, the inaugural 150 metres men’s diving competition will take place above the River Thames, not in the Japanese capital. The event, known as ‘super-high’ in diving circles, is recognised as the blue riband of water sports. Not only is the height fantastic at 535 feet, the equivalent of 520 Ronnie Corbetts, it has a death rate of 80%. More dangerous than bull fighting and Russian roulette, it’s a sport for the brave.

London organisers moved quickly to claim the event as soon as Coronavirus arrived in Japan. This was confirmed by Greg Meakin, the UK’s Chief Minister for Backdoor Deals. In a press notice issued from Westminster, he said, “The moment the Japs went a bit wobbly, we took the opportunity. London has long been the world centre of sport. The city’s football, tennis, cricket and bingo facilities are second to none. Plus, we saw a chance to divert attention from the Brexit shitshow.”

Diver's eye view.

Going brown

The super-high will take place in the second week of July, with primetime TV coverage no matter the weather. Workers have already constructed the diving board, which is sited on the roof at One Blackfriars, a 51 storeys skyscraper that overlooks Blackfriars Bridge. From the board, divers will have an angled drop into the sparkling brown waters of the city’s river. Tug boats and ferries have been asked to avoid the area.

High jinks

Diving from such an immense altitude comes with a completely new set of problems. It is far higher than any dive ever attempted. Winds of up to 70 mph are common on top of One Blackfriars. Divers must also navigate their way past a roadway and the roof of the riverside Dog and Dick pub on the way down. A Twitter message from an ex-high diver who calls himself AkwaMan (sic) called the event ‘suicidal’.

RFN spoke to Rachel Cummings, senior sports trainer at the Battersea Swim ‘n Splash baths. We asked her how difficult a dive from 150 metres was. She told us, “It’s like jumping out of an aeroplane in your underpants. By the time the diver hits the water he’ll be travelling at 125 mph and 177 feet a second. The impact on the water will be like being slammed by a car going 150 mph. It will be very messy for most competitors.”

We asked Rachel if such an event should be allowed. She said, “Oh yes, it’s just good clean fun.”

Protective swimwear for male competitors.

Naughty parts

RFN has also learned that in order to reduce damage to body parts, male competitors will wear special protective swimwear to protect the genitals. Made from titanium, it is said to be bulletproof. Females are banned from super-high over fears that surface impact will rip off their breasts.

Talking bollocks

On Monday evening, the UK Prime Minister gave the event two thumbs up. In a Facebook message Johnson said, “Big balled Britons have no fear. We will win this event and send pansy Europeans back where they came from. Super-high for Super Britain.”

Meanwhile, One Blackfriars has already claimed its first casualty. A diver in training was knocked off the diving board by EasyJet EJ109 to Malaga whilst adjusting his goggles.

Coronavirus can be caught by believing Boris Johnson.

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