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  • The Guys In The Kitchen

NO FULL MONTY: New 'commando' tax is coming.

Lovers of 'going commando' are about to get their money in a bunch, as London moves to introduce an ‘Underwear Charge’ for persons over the age of 16 who enter the congestion charging zone.

Leaked government documents reveal the law will come into effect at 12.01am on May 1st and it will hit those who like to wear nothing under their skirts or trousers. Choosing to forego what is referred to as ‘full lower-torso undercoverage’ requires the unclad to pay a daily fee of £15.00. Don’t pay and you’ll get a penalty of £120.00.

Lead skirts and trousers needed to stop CCTV from seeing the naked truth

CCTV will enforce the law, using new cameras that focus on a person’s mid-section. State of the art lenses see through outer garments using infra-red and x-ray.

Bare backsides – or more - will be spotted by new AI that then matches a guilty person’s naughty bits to their identity via a city-wide facial recognition system. A spokesperson for the office that will collect the data and fees, who only gave his name as ‘Smalls’, said the move was expected to raise at least £100m in the first year, as “there are a ton of cheeky people and bare-arsed lawbreakers out there.” RFN's call to the Mayor’s office for corroboration was not returned.

Bum deal

Predictably, the move has brought howls of outrage from those who like fresh air around the nether regions. The fee has been described as ‘genitalcide’, ‘a crime against nature’ and a ‘bloody waste of a good bare bum’. Fans of upskirting are planning a march on May 1st, where they will demand the right to secretly photograph a woman’s bare crotch without her being subject to a ‘fanny-tax’ just because she likes a bit of excitement.

Heavy packages

Mr. Smalls replied to these arguments, saying that the fee will reduce health risks for those in Central London. He said there have been many instances where a flash of naked buttocks, a well-trimmed bush or the sight of a bulging male package have caused fragile members of the viewing public to have a medical emergency.

Smalls said it was “time to cleanse the streets of bare bottoms and front bottom parts.” When RFN asked if this would also apply to women going without a bra, he immediately stated that such a move would be blatant gender discrimination. He also said, “who doesn’t like the sight of perky nipples in a gauzy blouse?”

Ads to promote the law begin April 1st under the tagline, ‘Snap, twang, pinch. You know it’s a cinch.

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