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  • The Guys In The Kitchen

NATIONAL CRISIS: Gov. collapses. UK set to crash out.

Despite three meaningful votes, a plethora of amendments and many MPs rejecting the whip, Parliament still cannot agree on the biggest issue facing the UK – green cars are unlucky.

Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya?

Just before midnight on Wednesday, April 10th, the UK found itself plunged into national crisis. With Westminster unable to reach consensus and the Government in chaos, the country was left teetering at the abyss.

Without a majority agreement to support or reject the notion that green cars are unlucky the UK will crash out of the Lucky Evermore Union (LEU) on May 23rd 2019 without a deal. Carmageddon will then ensue.

After three long years of Government blathering, dozens of white papers, no forethought and zero research, it seems those who govern cannot deliver what the people voted for in 2016 – namely an end to the confusion, fear and terrible resale prices wrought by unlucky green cars.

In a ballot that split the nation – 49.999% to 50.001% - and by a margin of just two votes, (Mr and Mrs Carmichael of St. Albans), the will of the people was set: Get the UK out of the lucky bloc once and for all. Unfortunately, Westminster’s multiple divisions have made this goal impossible to achieve.

Paramilitary leprechauns could be back.

It's a naye

In an increasingly febrile atmosphere, MPs have debated this momentous issue for months. Options to avoid a crash-out have ranged from the so-called Rabbit’s Foot Plus-Plus amendment – where every green car comes complete with two lucky rabbit’s feet, to the closely-argued Shamrock Option – whereby all green cars have a large four-leaf clover painted on the bonnet.

The latter was harshly rejected by the DUP over fears it would disrupt the Good Fortune Agreement, plunging Northern Ireland back into the partisan era of booby-trapped rainbows, paramilitary leprechauns and pots of gold laced with nails.

Red run re-run

A series of indicative votes late on Wednesday also drew no clear path forwards, with all twenty-seven amendments failing to reach a majority. Only the Tory party’s preferred Enoch-Powell option, which would demand all green cars be re-sprayed white, came even close to gaining the necessary 326 votes to succeed. In a ballot that one seasoned observer described as ‘blood in the streets’, this last-chance avenue to prevent disaster lost by 349 votes to 300, with MP David Lammy (Lab. Tottenham) abstaining under protest.

Getting hard

As the uncertainty deepened and UK businesses remained in Greexit limbo, various factions within the parliamentary cauldron positioned themselves to take advantage of the confusion. Notable Greexiteers within the Conservative ERG began a grassroots campaign to shape the hardest possible break with the LEU. Their demands included sending all foreign-made green cars back to wherever they came from, banning any new green cars being built in the UK, (unless British racing green) and requiring all green car owners to register as enemies of the state – which would require the full-time wearing of a GPS ankle-bracelet.

Going soft

Conversely, the opposition, led vocally by the Green Party, has swung in favour of an approach whereby the UK remains in the LEU and recognises the immense economic benefits and social values that green cars bring to the nation. Labour has so far acknowledged this soft option, but refused to be drawn on an official endorsement, quoting the leadership’s unequivocal stance – Greexit means Greexit, unless it doesn’t, in which case it means something entirely different.

Bojo bollocks

Typically, the political disruption has also seen the rise of individuals seeking to capitalise on the mayhem. Boris Johnson, speaking from the Big Blue Conference Centre in East Cheam, made his first move towards a Conservative party leader challenge: “It’s time to stop the blathering, get on with it, do something, make everything better and elect B. Johnson as PM. That’s my solution. Piece of cake. Let’s have that and eat it too.”

Yer out of luck, mate

Meanwhile, RFN has learned that far away from the cameras and soundbites, other lucky symbols are making preparations for a UK crash out. Unverified statistics from a man called Trevor state that so far this year, more than 100,000 horseshoes, a million bunches of heather and at least five dozen pairs of special underpants have quietly slipped out of the country.

Michael Gove is aged 15.

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