• The Guys In The Kitchen

MYTH BUSTED: Mary Poppins is alive!

Once thought make-believe, a sighting of Mary Poppins confirms that the magical nanny is real and living in London.


A keen-eyed paparazzi broke the amazing news early on Tuesday that Mary Poppins, the magical and much beloved character of children’s books and Hollywood movies, is a real person. Often deemed as a myth alongside Bigfoot, the Yeti and the Loch Ness Monster, Poppins was spotted in Chelsea shopping for some of her favourite things.

The Poppins Bentley in Sloan Square

RFN immediately dispatched a five-man team to the scene to ascertain the full facts of this momentous event. We were just in time to witness the arrival of a Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang styled Bentley outside Milange, the Sloan Square lingerie boutique.


To the amazement of onlookers, the wonderous child minder stepped from the luxurious motor car clutching a carpet bag. Before anyone watching could react, she quietly slipped inside the mega-bucks shop to select something slinky to wear.


Nice and tidy

Within half an hour, the sorcery school ma’am reappeared in a trendy Victoriana Secrets outfit and promptly moved on to a whirlwind tour of Selfridges, Fortnum & Masons, Harrods, Harvey Nichols, Liberty and other high-end retailers. A source who helped load the wonderous nanny’s purchases into the purring Bentley told RFN that the list of goods included rain-covered roses, whiskery kittens, bright copper kettles, woolly mittens, a cream coloured pony, crispy apple strudels, a wild goose, some schnitzel and a doorbell. Everything had been hand wrapped in tidy brown paper packages and tied up with string.

17 Cherry Tree Lane, scene of raucous events.

Cherry popped

Using deep cover surveillance techniques, (a black cab following the Poppins car), RFN trailed the mythical mistress to her home in upscale South Kensington. Leaving the chauffeur to unload her purchases, Poppins disappeared inside a large Georgian house at 17 Cherry Tree Lane.


Public records show that this is the home of hedge fund mogul George Banks and his wife Winifred. Phone calls to Montessori schools in the area revealed that the Banks’ children, Jane, John, Michael, Barbara and Annabel are all home-schooled by Poppins and that the powerful nanny’s first task upon taking up the position after arriving with the East wind, had been to drill some discipline into the unruly offspring.

Chimney sweeps conduct a noisy dance routine.

Leaked police information also shows that the Cherry Tree Lane home has been the centre of raucous goings-on since the arrival of Poppins, with neighbours complaining of loud tea parties being held on ceilings, dancing chimneysweeps clip-clopping across the rooftops and a meeting with an unsavoury character known to law enforcement as the Bird Woman.


Similar unsettling instances involving Poppins and virtually every member of the Banks family have occurred at the zoo, the nearby gingerbread star shop and on a worldwide trip organised by Compass. No charges have been brought, but the house remains under continual police watch.


What will the neighbours say?

One neighbour who did not wish to be named called Poppins, “A menace to society,” and the local branch of the WI issued a statement in which they refer to the presence of the wizard-like teacher as a, “Blemish on the unsullied face of South Kensington.” Of all the people we spoke to, only Maia, fellow Cherry Tree Lane resident and lead singer of chart-topping girl band Pleiades, had anything good to say. Calling Poppins, “The kind of person this stuffy old place needs.” She went on to say, “Mary is like, supercalafragilisticexpealadocious.”


Unfortunately, the naturally camera-shy Poppins managed to evade our precision intercept points as she left the Cherry Tree house the next morning. Before we could corner her and launch a blizzard of pre-planned questions, including a demand to know how she can slide upwards on a bannister rail, the supernatural child minder flew away on a particularly gusty West wind.


Oh dear

House prices in the South Kensington area have fallen 73% since the discovery of Poppins just yesterday.

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