• The Guys In The Kitchen

LYRA McKEE KILLING: UK leaders ‘shocked and grief stricken’.

In a rare moment, leaders of all parties come together to admit they are shocked and grief stricken over the amount of time they must appear concerned over Lyra McKee’s tragic death.

Sincerity too time consuming in today's fast moving news-cycle.

As the whole of Northern Ireland ground to a halt to honour the short, but rich life of murdered Irish journalist Lyra McKee yesterday, cut down by a bullet fired by a member of the New IRA, so the leaders of every main UK party took time to come together in this time of mourning.


Spokesholes

Speaking through their appointed spokesholes, Theresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, Arlene Foster, Sir Vince Cable, that Scottish woman and whoever is leading the Change UK party today, admitted that they were ‘incredibly shocked and grief stricken over the amount of time they were having to spend acting as if they gave a shit about McKee’s killing’.


Liam McCoylone, communications director for the DUP spoke to RFN to clarify the situation. “Quite frankly, we’re disgusted with this terrible act. Not only has it pulled Arlene away from serious money talks with the Tories in Westminster, it has created ugly warmth between the DUP and Sinn Fein. There’s a real possibility of open congeniality now. Lyra should have been more thoughtful in the way she let herself be murdered. We’re spending far too much time seeming concerned.”


Michael Gove, government Minister for the Department of Looking Like a Small Rodent, agreed. “It’s been hours now. How much longer are we expected to keep this up? Honestly, some dead people!”


Bell End & Bare Boy pub yesterday. Scene of a momentous agreement.

Plugholes

In Westminster, far from the grim ceremony taking place across the Irish Sea, there were calls for ‘something to be done’ about the need for politicians to act sympathetic to unwarranted deaths. In the wake of this action, RFN has learned that cross-party talks, led by Labour Shadow Liar, Neil Benson and Tory Minister for Insincerity Harold Malin, were taking place in the upstairs room of the Bell End & Bare Boy pub near Parliament Square and that an MOU to address the issue of faking concern had been successfully drafted.


Leaked details gathered from bar staffer Molly Poppet reveal that the core of the Memo is a joint agreement for all parties to nominate one politician to play-act on behalf of all others in the event of future tragedy. This has been nicknamed the ‘fallguy amendment’ or ‘prat option'.


Under the terms of the agreement, the lone MP who is tapped for the job of appearing as if they give a shit about unnecessary deaths, famine in Africa, terrible weather events and the loss of migrant boats, will be seconded for up to two days. They will be expected to weep in public, hold hands warmly and convincingly hug the relatives of the lost. It will be an arduous task.


Assholes

Shortly before RFN went to press, a fax from Labour Party headquarters put a seal of approval on this case study in political efficiency. It said: ‘Lyra’s death will not have been in vain. Her tragic passing will now make it easier for the representatives of the people to go about their daily business. Thank God someone took a bullet, so we don’t have to.”


Jeremy Corbyn was having lunch with the New IRA and unavailable to respond to RFN’s emails.

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