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  • The Guys In The Kitchen

IT’S ALL BENE: MPs plan Brexitaly to snap EU deadlock!

As March 29th draws closer and fears of the UK stumbling off the cliff into a catastrophic ‘no deal Brexit’ rise, backbench MPs are getting ready to table a new amendment that they say will end the current crisis.

The new plan will simply require a surrogate nation be enlisted to take the brunt of the UK/EU break-up. RFN has gained access to secret documents that are being passed around amongst a shadowy group of MPs who refer to themselves as ‘The Saviours’.

These pages make it clear that Italy will be press-ganged into leaving the EU without a deal in the UK’s place. The UK will stay where it is as a full member of the EU trading bloc, but Italy will be forced out and made to slog on alone under WTO rules and with no market for their rust-prone cars.

Italian buildings swoon with the bad news

The documents also state that Brexitaly will leave the UK government free to claim that they have honoured the call of “leave means leave”, even if the nation leaving is a Mediterranean one. Ministers would also have no qualms stating that the EU28 is now the EU27 and that freedom of movement is over – for Italy.

Spag-bol's off

As the motion is being passed around, it appears to be gathering support, with a growing contingent of cross-party parliamentarians openly applauding the idea. “Pushing a bunch of spaghetti-lovers into financial oblivion” is a small price to pay for Brexit peace, according to one MP who refused to be named as he ducked into a local Nando’s yesterday.

Mamma mia, mamma mia

Meanwhile, as one might expect from a country where even Mussolini could not really get the trains to run on time, news of their sudden removal from the cosy EU club is horrifying everyday Italians. “Mamma mia, è una fottuta catastrophe” said a seller of bologna in Bologna, whilst in Turin, a car salesman called Carlo said “Merda! chi comprera 'le mie macchine del cazzo adesso.” The Italian government was closed for its annual 256 day leave at the time RFN called for comment.


However, one seasoned Brexit spectator viewed the new ploy with scepticism. “It’s all well and good giving Italy the heave-ho on our behalf, but does it protect the Good Friday Agreement?” he told RFN. Those in Dublin remain concerned. The Backstop simply turned its back.

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