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  • The Guys In The Kitchen

INEQUALITY GAP: Poor to eat cake.

In response to a massive upshift in the numbers of desperate families turning to foodbanks, the Government introduces a new cake credit.

Harold Macmillan once pronounced the British masses had, “Never had it so good.” It was an alarming example of an elite ignorance to the plight of the struggling working classes - the people Theresa May describes as ‘those just managing’. However, concerned that public unrest may result from the extent of growing hardship, and in a move to avert blame from blind central planning, the Government is now introducing a new cake credit that they claim will put a tart in every pot.

In your dreams baby. Not for the poor.

With the roll-out of Universal Credit wrecking the fragile economic security of the low paid, central Government sees the provision of a weekly bun as the new bedrock upon which families can stand. A statement from the Department of Food and Agriculture, in alliance with the Department of Work and Pensions says that, ‘the new cake credit will provide up to 400 calories per family per week and form a substitute to the current policy of forced  starvation.’

The DFA website details the way the cake credit will work: Families will apply online, or at their local branch of Greggs. Approved applications will be fed into a weekly lottery, with prizes ranging from an ‘exotic’ chocolate éclair to a more mundane macaroon. There will be one éclair per 1000 applicants, with all others receiving either the aforesaid almond treat or a basic piece of shortbread. Icing is not on the menu and glace cherries have been reserved for ‘high days and holidays’ such as Brexit Day.

Families will have to make a weekly online pledge that they have not received any other cake in the week just gone and that they are actively continuing to look for cake in the future. A Government tip line ( will be available to report those seen to eat cake in addition to their allotted social handout. Fines and imprisonment threaten the unlawful.

RFN asked a spokeshole at the DFA if this new policy would do anything to change the face of poverty in the UK. She said, “It is not in the DFA mandate to alleviate the wretched state of the great unwashed. We are simply charged with keeping them as fat as we can for as little as we can. New policies to re-introduce maximum sugar and trans-fat into stodge are pending and the DFA feels that in conjunction with these actions, the cake credit will keep these poor souls happy until they do us all a favour and die early.”

An RFN request to the DWP for an answer to the question of just providing a living wage to all was met with a response by email. It said: ‘ROTFL. No magic tree. No extra funds. Unless your initials are DUP.’ A GIF of a laughing doughnut accompanied the message.

Concern about the benefit of the cake credit have been raised by members of the foodbank industry. Carolyn Frotter, a charity worker at the There’s Lovely Foodbank in Cardiff said, “Typically, it’s all last minute. We’ve had no time to collect tins of custard or condensed milk. Our beneficiaries wil have to eat their cakes dry.” Her co-worker, Dennis Pledge added, “We don’t even have jam.” Welsh cake recipients will conduct a protest march on May 1st.

RFN’s office in Hull reports that early introduction of the cake credit has already run into difficulties, with some families waiting up to six weeks to receive a stale slice of sponge. Additionally, a massive backlog of undelivered lemon cake is being sold to salvage companies for conversion into trifle. When RFN asked DFA if the jelly, custard, cream and cake delights would be offered to the poor, we were told , "Don't be ridiculous."

Government response to the source of the cakes has not been forthcoming, however, RFN can report that dessert factories in Bulgaria have been gearing up for expansion. Whether EU cakes will make it into the UK post-Brexit remains unknown.

In the expectation of long lines outside Greggs, the Government is preparing Operation Sugar Bag to deploy up to 20,000 police officers to maintain public order. In additon, Bake Off is to air  a special ‘bake your own credit’ celebrity spectacular on June 7th. Phillip Schofield will be making chocolate brownie nose.

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