IMPEACHMENT: Trump cashes in 53 ‘get out jail free’ cards.
The world’s greatest deal-maker relies on legend to stay out of the big house.
The evidence is overwhelming. The facts speak for themselves. Donald J Trump, the 45th President of the USA, committed high crimes and misdemeanours when he coerced the President of Ukraine to investigate his political rival, Joe Biden.
However, despite a mountain of proof, Trump is confident that his impeachment trial in the US Senate will end in his acquittal.
How does he know this? RFN has discovered that it is not the work of his lawyers, or of Trump’s political genius. It is the impact of 53 legendary powerful scraps of cardboard. Leaked details from Trump’s defence team reveal the ex-reality TV star owns a bunch of ‘get out of jail free’ cards and he is using them.
First issued in 1935 by the board-game maker Parker Bros as part of the playing pieces in the well-known game of Monopoly, the famed ‘get out of jail’ card has grown to have totemic meaning.
More powerful that the Magna Carta, the US Constitution, and perhaps even the Bible, the tiny game card now has galactic power. Anyone holding the card has an automatic right to freedom that cannot be challenged by law. This privilege extends worldwide and many past card holders, including Richard Nixon, Imelda Marcos, Idi Amin and many top Wall Street bankers, have made good use of it. For them, the law was an ass. They had the aces.
No come back
Now, we learn that Trump has acquired a pile of these golden tickets and he is using them to convince all 53 Republican Senators to find him ‘not guilty’. There can be no argument to such an outcome. What the card sayeth, the card meaneth.
Reeling from the import of this news, US Democrats have begun to throw in the towel. One senior Congressman who wished to remain nameless, (D.Porter, Dem. Chicago South), spoke to RFN in a dimly lit bar. He said, “What’s the point, man. It’s the nuclear option. We’re fucked.”
This sentiment was echoed across the Capitol, where politicians, aides and reporters have been cowed by Trump’s awesome power.
However, even as they nursed their wounds, a piercing question was asked by some: Where did The President get the weapons?
The answer to this riddle begins in a giant warehouse in run down area of Kansas City, Missouri. For it is here, amid huge stacks of cartons, that Trump’s path to freedom began.
AJ Logistics Inc is a shabby subsidiary of a subsidiary of Amazon – the massive doorbells to dildos online market. Hidden in amongst the piles of product that await ‘buy now’ delivery sat a neglected pot of gold. It would prove to be Trump’s El Dorado.
RFN has interviewed an ex-employee of AJ Logistics. The subject refused to give his full name, preferring to be known as Jackal. In hushed tones, Mr. Jackal told us how he accidentally stumbled upon a dusty carton containing vintage Monopoly games. After moving the box out of the range of CCTV, he stole 60 ‘get out of jail cards’ by secreting them in his anus. After sneaking them out of the building he then offered them for sale on a dark web auction site.
Cash for cards
For $12,000 in cash, wired to a Western Union office in Indianapolis, the cards changed hands. RFN has discovered that they were purchased by well-known New York arms dealer Marty French. Trump and French go back a long way and it didn’t take long for French to realise that his illicit purchase would be a boon to his beleaguered friend.
Within four hours of the cards reaching French, they were inside Trump Tower, the President’s gaudy northern base. From there, a private jet carried them to Washington DC and the White House. By late evening, Trump had his weapons and he was firing from the hip.
A beautiful thing
RFN has learned that the first recipient of a card was Kentucky Senator and Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell. In a triumphant meeting inside the Oval Office, Trump thrust a 'get out of jail free' card into McConnell’s hand and said, “I own you. Do a beautiful thing.”
Now, as the impeachment trial reaches its climax, it is understood that every Republican Senator has been treated to the same humiliating ordeal. The die is set. When the vote is called, Trump will walk free and justice will not be done.
These are dark days indeed in America.
Epilogue: The Jackal called RFN’s Los Angeles office late on Friday night. He told us that he had also found a box of old Cluedo games. He was offering proof that Colonel Mustard did it with the poker in the bedroom. A preliminary offer of $250,000 has been made by lawyers acting for Harvey Weinstein.