top of page
  • The Guys In The Kitchen

IMMIGRATION: New UK policy ‘Fair and a lot of fun’.

The UK launches a new immigration policy. Home Office describes it as an ‘exciting and jolly procedure’.

New Government rules to handle the flow of immigrants into the UK will come into service on May 1st 2019. Revised admittance laws will apply to persons seeking residence regardless of their nationality and will restrict entry to those who pass an ‘enhanced acceptance criteria’ by winning in a high stakes game of Musical Chairs.

Sheene: "There may even be a cake."

Let them seat cake

Pauline Sheene, a spokesperson for the Home Office sub-department of Seated Admissions, told RFN that, “This is a fair and just system. Every Tom, Dick and Harriett who wishes to live in the UK can now have a shot at a residence permit. They just need to be clear of ear, quick off the mark and sharp with the elbows. Discriminatory residential rules that would previously consider refugee status, professional qualifications, marital or family connections, assets, income and a host of other superfluous factors have now been done away with. In future, the right to live and work in the UK will be decided by a fifteen minutes round of fun and jolliness at selected points of entry. There may even be a cake for the winner. Isn’t that lovely?”

Fear factor

RFN understands that UK Border Control has already established ‘game rooms’ at Heathrow and Gatwick Airports, the Dover and Channel Tunnel crossing points, Southampton docks and that place where the ferry comes in from Ireland.

Every room is equipped with twelve ergonomically designed ‘visa chairs’, a CD player and a host of discs by well-known UK favourites including Chas n’ Dave, Showaddywaddy and Max Bygraves. Each elimination event will involve nine spins of the disc, with a chair removed after each sudden stop of the music. The last three hopeful immigrants to grab a seat will earn the right to live in a deprived part of the UK and work

for an unforgiving bastard. Those that find their bum left out in the cold will be put on the next plane or ship back to wherever the hell they came from. The Border Control guidance leaflet describes the system as a ‘lot of fun, with an added dose of exuberant fear.’

Ergonomic 'visa' chair. Very comfy.


The new immigrant vetting system is expected to save the UK almost £40 trillion over the next five years, although that figure may fluctuate with the price of party favours and poppers. However, welcome as this news is, some grinches are already labelling the announcement ‘Chairgate’ and threatening legal action to prevent the party game remaining official UK policy.

Moody blues

Lisa Moody of the immigrant help service GetInHere has been particularly vocal on the subject, saying, “Musical Chairs should stay where it belongs, in the front room for little Dominic’s birthday party or in the event room at TGI Fridays for Susannah’s batmizvah. It has no place in UK immigration law. Many of the people coming into the UK will not recognise the game and be unfamiliar with songs such as Chas n’ Dave’s ‘Gertcha’. The unfairness is obvious, and the Home Office’s actions are highly discriminatory.”

In response, Sheene said that the introduction of Musical Chairs to decide who could stay and who could not, was the ‘fairest system of all’ and that the Home Office had bent over backwards to ensure all newcomers had an equal chance of living in post-Brexit misery. She added, “We have even gone out of our way to make sure those in wheelchairs have their own parking bays and we would not take away their chair until the very last chord has played.” RFN asked if disabled immigrants who failed the contest would get their wheelchair back. Sheene looked shocked and told us not to be silly.


Meanwhile, as the debate widens, enterprising suppliers of supplementary competition products have already stepped up to furnish the Government with big lapel badges that say ‘I’m a Musical Chair Champ’, ballpoint pens carrying the imprint ‘better luck next time’ for the losers, and boxes of facial tissues for competitors who behave like a big girl's blouse and start blarting when they fail to win a chair.

In the event of a tie, Home Office rules decree a round of rock, paper, scissors will decide the winner.

bottom of page