• The Guys In The Kitchen

HOT TOPIC: This week’s gratuitous clickbait.

Global Warming or protest movement? As the UK basks in blazing sunlight, people are getting their pants off to give the change a ‘cheeky’ welcome.

Bare bums get eyeballs on pages.

It is 12.45pm on a Wednesday afternoon in Soho Square, London. Across this slab of grassland set amid the congested streets of the West End, office workers are taking the rays and topping up tans. Acres of bare flesh shimmer in the heat. Much of what can be seen would have been viewed as inappropriate a few years ago, but now, boobs, bums and todgers are exposed to the UVA.


Sexy

With little concern for predictions that Northern Europe will look like the Gobi Desert by 2025, Brits are getting their clothes off and turning their pale bodies a sexy red. Climate change is getting two bums up. However, all this flesh raises a question. Why are the normally prudish British people suddenly throwing caution and knickers to the wind to get an all-over tan? Where did this Scandinavian style liberation come from? Professor William Cadwallader, a lecturer at the Middlesex College for Misleading Statistics and an expert in the science of sunlight on the libido, has been studying the phenomenon:


“Experiments conducted over the past ten years have conclusively shown that British citizenry is shedding inhibitions and clothing in a lash-back against austerity. Years of watching living standards fall has given many a ‘sod this’ attitude. Austerity creates an inner revolution. Normally law-abiding people succumb to a need to make their frustrations and body hair known. The end-result is the sea of bare buttocks, breasts, penises and vulvas we are now seeing in public places. If the people can’t have money, they can at least have brown bottom parts. Additionally, a bit of vitamin D on a man’s knob does wonders for his sex drive.”

Bulging while mowing gets the ladies hot.

Naked

To confirm the Professor’s conclusion, RFN spoke to several men and women who were nakedly sunning themselves within view of people having lunch at the Serpentine Pavilion in Hyde Park. We asked them why they were risking arrest to get a tan.


Colin Cleak, 37 of Stanmore works for DPD as a delivery driver. He said he came to the park whenever he could. He was only wearing a hanky over his privates. “It’s refreshing ain’t it?” He said. “You sit in a cab all day, sweating your cobs off to make a lousy twenty quid, then you come here and you get cool grass on your arse. It’s nice. Plus, there’s some cracking fluff here and they ain’t wearing nothing.”


Stiff nipples

Melanie Harris, 27, a store assistant from Epping was wearing a string thong and not a lot else. She added, “I got no money to go on holiday, so I come to the park. If I was on the Playa I would have my kit off, so why not now? Pay me more and I’ll leg it to Tenerife. If not, then bollocks, I’m getting my tits tanned right here.”


This sentiment was echoed by a fully naked Jasmine LeMon, 20, an exchange student from Mauritius. “Where I from, people no go nude in public. Is good though. I like look at men. They like look at me. Get my nipples hard. You like? Pay £25 kiss them?”

We're so desperate to get clicks, this photo isn't even in the UK. Who cares, look at the curves on that! Phwoar!

Dongs

RFN was short of cash, so we moved on to the Swinging in the Rain gay bar next to the Globe Theatre on the south shore of the Thames. The landlord, Ray ‘Hayley’ Mills, gave the new-found emphasis on flesh his hearty approval. “Yeah, we love it. If people want to get their bits out, why not? We all have ‘em. Come back on Thursday, we’re having our weekly ‘dong drop’. You never seen so many big, tanned ones, darling. Looks like a nightclub on Lesbos.”


Indecent exposure

Appreciative of Hayley’s input as we were, we still needed answers. We stopped a man outside Debenhams on Oxford Street and asked for his point of view. He leered and whispered, “You want my point? Here’s my point.” Then he yanked open his raincoat to reveal his manhood at full mast.


Skin

Reeling from the incident, we retreated to the car and made a last desperate phone call to get a definitive answer to the question of the UK’s sudden love for showing skin. We called the Chancellor of the Exchequer at his residence. We asked him if more than a decade of Tory-led austerity was the reason British people were revealing things best kept under cover. He said, “No.” We took that as a conclusive reply.


Note to editor: Is this enough, or do you need more drivel to go with the pics?

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