FLYING MISERY: Rogue droner in travel chaos!
Thousands of air travellers delayed as Chris Grayling bumbles, forcing UK airports to close.
He’s the man who cost the UK taxpayer almost half a billion in added costs to the Probation Service, wasted tens of millions on ferries to nowhere, trashed the nation’s railway timetables, threw millions at Capita until it went bust and even managed to ruin drinkies in a brewery.
However, yesterday, balding man-child Chris Grayling took an even bigger step in his failing career – by inadvertently halting all air travel in the UK for almost 15 hours: With one swipe of his almighty ham-fist, the Transport Secretary mistakenly deleted the entire budget for UK traffic control whilst playing Candy Crush on his iPhone.
The cock-up had an immediate and devastating effect: Without funds to pay personnel, operate equipment or even pay the sandwich man, all air-traffic operations ceased forthwith. Unable to safely direct the hundreds of planes that criss-cross the UK per day, airports the length and breadth of the nation were forced to close. Thousands of air travellers were plunged into chaos.
London Heathrow, which typically sees a flight take off or land every two minutes, was hit hard. Going into another bank-holiday weekend, hundreds of flights bound for popular holiday destinations such as Greece, Spain and that funny little island down by Africa were stuck on the tarmac. As long queues built up inside the terminals for food, drink and anywhere to plug the fucking phone in, airport staff scrambled to provide good order.
Looking frazzled, Mandy Bigwitt, chief people pusher for Terminal One, summed it up: “We’ve got eighty thousand travellers trying to get into six working lavs. Mr. Creasy who unblocks the toilets can’t keep up. Today’s bigger bums use so much paper, his plunger is worn out.”
These traumatic scenes were repeated across the country, with Birmingham Airport reporting desperate travellers storming the Kitchens & Bathrooms Show at the nearby NEC in search of a loo. A salesman from the Wickes stand said their ‘bathrooms of tomorrow’ displays were now, “Gone to shit.” Meanwhile, Glasgow, the country’s busiest kilt-wearing airport put out a Tweet saying that, ‘We regret the inconvenience caused by the English, #englishwanker, #fuckthetories, #independencenow’.
More than six hours after the disruption began, with the UK’s skies uncannily quiet, the man at the centre of the problem made a press statement. Standing outside a Tui travel agency on Oxford Street, Mr. Grayling said, “The DoT is moving to swiftly restore air operations and we have already launched an enquiry into the loss of financial data. I will personally be talking to King, the publishers of Candy Crush. Hopefully there is evidence of Russian interference, which I will be able to use as a cover-up.”
The Secretary’s comments were not appreciated by those whose travel plans had been wrecked by the ‘fat thumb’ incident. Colin Sheebish, 36 was on his way to Amsterdam for a ‘filthy weekend’ when his dreams of massage and deep penetration were shattered. Speaking at Gatwick he said, “This was my holiday of a lifetime. I spent fifty quid on a ticket and bought clean underwear. Grayling should pay me back.”
Lawyers for the travel industry said Mr. Sheebish was unlikely to receive compensation for the three pack of men’s ‘full seat’ briefs he had purchased for his holiday.
By midnight, air traffic control was restored across most of the nation. However, Cardiff airport remained closed as nobody was available to read system re-boot instructions that were provided in Welsh.
Nando’s Express at Manchester airport posted a picture of a chicken in a flight suit on Facebook alongside a caption that read: ‘Thanks a bunch, Chris. Our chicken’s been really flying!’
Chris Grayling is 13.