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  • The Guys In The Kitchen

FLU PANDEMIC: All human life extinct in 540,000 years.

Total Coronavirus deaths now equal three hours worldwide car crash victims.

Experts say the flu disease could be an extinction event. World populations cower in fear.

On Wednesday night, new virus deaths pushed the global toll to 500. To put that terrible statistic into perspective - it is almost the same as gunshot fatalities in the USA over a four days period, or three hours’ worth of worldwide car crash victims. At the present rate, with 38 deaths per day, human life on earth will be gone in just half a million years.

Saudi Arabia treats gay men to an all-inclusive holiday for bringing the wrath of Allah upon the nation.

Quick gasper

National governments are scrambling to stem this fantastic rate of attrition. In China, a new law has made it illegal to breathe outdoors. Anyone caught taking a quick gasp will be shot on the spot. In Hong Kong, medical workers are cementing flu victims into concrete boxes and feeding them through tubes. In Saudi Arabia, homosexuals are being imprisoned for bringing Allah’s wrath upon the kingdom. In the US, President Trump has initiated a shoot to kill policy against anyone who utters ‘impeachment’.

We're alright Jack

Even in the UK, an island nation with excellent natural defences against a disease with no respect for Brexit, the Prime Minister has been forced to take extraordinary steps. As of midnight, 5th February, Boris Johnson has ordered a total ban on Chinese take-away, indefinite quarantine for everyone north of Watford and a £250,000 bonus for cabinet ministers. Those funds are to be used to buy seats on special RAF flights to Antigua should the virus strike inside the M25.

All in all, to quote a senior member of the World Health Organisation speaking at an emergency summit in Geneva, “It’s a giant shit sandwich and we all have to take a bite.”

Stiff ones

Fortunately, many of the ordinary people of Great Britain are made of sterner stuff than our fearless leader. With upper lips stiffer than a Volvo bumper, dozens of stalwarts refuse to surrender to a villain they cannot see, hear or smell.

Les Varney prepares to fight 'commie' Coronavirus

Les Varney, a retired bus driver in Leamington Spa is a typical case. As soon as he heard about the virus, he raced into action. With help from his wife, he built an asbestos air-raid shelter in the back garden, taped the windows of his bungalow to stop flying glass, and put a bucket of water by the front door to douse falling incendiaries.

RFN asked Mr. Varney how these precautions would help against a pandemic. He replied, “We beat the Jerries and them Argies by being prepared. This commie thing won’t get us.”

Party on the coach

These sentiments were echoed in nearby Daventry, a town best known for being unknown. In the hall of The Church of St. David the Reluctant, volunteers have established an emergency ‘unwell’ station. Equipped with a dozen lilos, PG Tips, Reader’s Digest and several boardgames, it’s a triage centre for virus sufferers. Head volunteer, Mary Blowhard, senior receptionist at Furball’s Cattery, is in charge of admittances. When asked how many patients the centre had, she said, “None. But we’re expecting a coach party from Telford at three.”


Meanwhile, most just worry about stopping the threat. Will our planet become a barren rock ruled by a triumphant germ? RFN asked DoorMatt Hancock, the Secretary for Health and Social Care how the UK can survive this looming catastrophe. In a recorded message sent from a bunker deep below Number 10, he said, “We are building 40 new hospitals, hiring 20,000 new nurses and getting Brexit done. No disease can overcome our defences. Boris walks on water.” The tape ended with a rousing chorus of ‘for he’s a jolly bad virus.’

Tobacco manufacturers recommend smoking 60 cigarettes a day to prevent flu infection.

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