• The Guys In The Kitchen

FLORENCE SEXINGALE: NHS to offer 'love dolls' to patients.

A 2018 poll of patients on long-term stay, (more than 7 nights) in NHS wards has revealed a high degree of mental stress is being caused by the lack of a ‘decent shag’.

Research showed that 87% of men and 54% of women under 65 years of age were getting desperate for some roly poly once they passed the one week in-ward point. Further investigation revealed that this was a major contributor to illness relapse, increased wet dream bed-wetting and the sexual predation of medical staff.

In response, the NHS has come up with a plan to provide life-like sex dolls – male or female, no questions asked, John – to those who need a good rogering to get them past their next round of tests or screenings. However, patients who have been admitted due to mental illness will be excluded from the program. “We can’t have bonkers people bonking latex dolls in the waiting room” said one un-named consultant.

Males dolls may have the 'full Ron Jeremy'.

Quality tottie

RFN International reports from Vietnam that the dolls will come in two colours – white and really white – with realistic PVC body hair and mouths that have been described as ‘accepting’.


Made in Hanoi, the manufacturers promise that the mannequins can easily be cleaned with a garden hose and will last for at least five ‘good penetrations’. The dolls are said to cost £35 each, (1.1 million Vietnamese Dong), depending on configuration. However, female versions with an over-large booty or Baywatch breasts will cost more and male dolls with the ‘full Ron Jeremy’ will be well over £75 according to market watchers.

Brummies to bonk away boredom

The NHS says that the dolls are expected to be rolled out for their first rolls in the hay in autumn 2019 and on a region by region basis. Launch will begin in the West Midlands, where it seems the local citizenry use frequent copulation as a leisure replacement for decent restaurants, shopping or entertainment centres.

Tumescence

To cover the program, the Department of Health has a budget of £19 billion for the year 2019-2020. This tumescent number was reached after calculating the “simply staggering amount of shagging that’s going on in the general populace.”

Makers of ticklers and vibrators have also been abuzz at the news.

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