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  • The Guys In The Kitchen

FLATULENCE TYPE: New Jag runs on cow farts.

The Jaguar F-Type has been on the market for several years now and a very fine car it is. However, with ever-more draconian emissions regulations making it increasingly difficult for the famed marque to build cars at a profit, JLR may now be turning to the bovine world for answers.

buttpump for mining cow farts
Buttpump a cinch to use according to makers.

Stand by for the entry of the latest F-type – with F meaning fart. RFN has heard rumours that from 2020, a totally new version of the sportscar will be offered that does not run on petrol or electricity but is powered by methane gas drawn direct from the cow’s arse.

Gas leak

Automotive designer, Jerry Cleak recently went on the record when he stated that cow gas had “an extraordinary explosive quality which makes it an ideal source of automotive power”.

With more than 1.8 million gaseous cows and bulls roaming the nation’s fields, he went on to say that such an abundance of ‘plug in’ refill stations made the problem of charging points a non-issue. “There are simply more orifices waiting to be pumped than there are petrol pumps in Great Britain” he said.

Leaked concept descriptions report that every vehicle will come with a ‘butt pump’ that is neatly and easily inserted into the cow’s anus whilst the animal is kept calm using something called a ‘pacifier’. What this is remains unclear, however it seems to require four AA batteries that do not come with the car.

Pump it up

Government reaction to the development has been mostly positive, with a spokesman for the DoT stating that this was “one small pump for a cow, but one huge guff for mankind.” Initial observations from TFL indicate that cars powered by cow rumination will be exempt from the London congestion and ULEZ charges, as the vehicles run on very renewable energy. The farming industry has also welcomed the invention, with their Westminster lobby group saying it will remove “a ton of shit stink” from farming areas.

Deflated observers

Naturally, as with all new inventions, there has been some early resistance by motoring purists who describe this revolution as just ‘hot air’ and members of environmental groups who call the use of cows in the unregulated energy market as just more examples of ‘the evils of Big Arse’ at work.

A lady called Jackie who RFN interviewed on the forecourt of the local BP station worried that the cows may not be paid a living wage and that all that burnt bum fuel could really fuck up her daughter’s dairy allergies.

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