• The Guys In The Kitchen

FILMS: ‘Stalking the Apocalypse’.

From our Film Reviewer in the Kitchen, Chad Hogan.

Holy, Christ, if there was ever a more pretentious load of shit dumped on the paying public, we need to be told. ‘

Stalking’ comes with the premise that everything that’s wrong in the inconsequential relationship between fashion stylist Lauren (played by Belinda Cuhntingam – ‘Reapers, Jeepers’) and her deadbeat boyfriend Neil (Dick Goswad – ‘Dude, Where’s My Bagel?’) is a metaphor for the approach of those badass guys on horseback.

You can check in, but you can never leave


Set in an apartment made from tubing, mouse droppings and old packing crates, the story takes place in South Manhattan. We never get further than a $5 Uber ride from this rathole.

Lauren is struggling with her fragile Id and Neil is just a tosser. They rage from one argument to the next. Furniture is smashed. Dishes are thrown. Copious amounts of booze are slugged. Yet somehow, there’s always time for a hard shag on the empire-sized bed. Gratuitous, moi?

Couldn't care less

Shot in black and white, with a half-assed attempt at the Scando look, this shedload of rotten tomatoes is an endless drivel that takes us nowhere. Full of terminal silences, dreamy stares and a ton of soft focus, it has no story, no plot, no third act worth mentioning. Honestly, I’ve gained more from a Porky Pig cartoon. It’s a relief when FIN arrives. Any longer and I think the audience would have slit their wrists.

Verdict: Brilliant. Five stars. Three thumbs up.

Moonflash Films - rated 18.

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