• The Guys In The Kitchen

FATCOIN: Cryptocurrency for the obese ‘next big thing’.

There are many digital currencies, but until now, no platform has weighed in for those with big bodies. New Fatcoin aims to change all that and make ‘living large’ better for the obese.


Manhattan, New York: Amid a fanfare of media froth and a ‘fattastic’ launch event at the Hard Rock Café, the latest cryptocurrency to hit the world in the groin made its gargantuan debut last night.


FATCOIN, a digital money specifically made for those with a king-size toilet and a BMI over 50, has waddled into the competitive world of fake cash. (editors’ note – surely ‘fast cash’?)


Pulsating

Created by technical genius and insatiable lover of calorific wonders, Karl Wetzel Jr, (27 years, 553lbs, 5’ 6”), the currency has been designed to improve the lives of the massively compromised.


Speaking to a flabby audience that could barely squeeze into the pulsating burger joint, he said, “Five years ago, I had a dream. I saw a future where body mass was no longer shamed. I saw a land of equality. A place of peace and harmony. A place where the large could indulge their whims and passions. I saw a world where we had no need to work, go to the ATM or even leave the sofa. That dream has come true, people. Fatty days are here again! It’s time to eat, drink and be heavy!”


As the rippling audience quivered in fevered excitement, Wetzel continued, “The moment is here for the big and fleshy to rise from the shadows. Our time has come! Fatcoin is our liberation! Today is our Independence Day!”

Wetzel Jr. When alive and almost kicking.

Ah,well

Unfortunately, Wetzel was unable to say more, as the crowd rushed the stage to embrace their saviour. This created a 30 tons body crush that killed him and sixteen others. It took three hours, four cranes and a bulldozer to draw Wetzel’s body from the mound.


Following the carnage, the roll-out of Fatcoin fell to the steerage of his wife and body-double, Karen Wurst.


Choking back chubby tears for the loss of her other three halves, she launched the cryptocurrency onto the exchanges at exactly midnight. It was an instant hit. Prices leapt from an initial offering of $50 per coin to zoom past £500 within the first ten minutes. By the time RFN went to press, the currency was trading at $1734 and heavy buyers were reporting their first Fatcoin millions on social media.


Waste not, want not

Review of Fatcoin’s website reveals that the coin is earned by obese ‘miners’, who must complete complex takeaway menus and then trade their copious body waste for currency. The waste is collected weekly by haz-mat crews and used in the production of car tyres, fertilizers, fish food and Yakult.


Miners can swap their currency for treats supplied by Just Eat, or purchase really-extra-large clothing, accessories and lavatory products from oversize site, www.fatandgorgeous.com. Fatcoin estimates that the average miner will earn eighty coins per year, which would be worth around $140,000 at current prices.


Fataggedon

Although many in the US and other well-fed nations cheered the arrival of a monetary unit just for them, others see the launch of Fatcoin as a threat.


Peter Boleema, founder of the online slimming club Fatbegone stated that the currency would only hasten the inevitable end of civilisation. “What nobody seems to understand is that to generate Fatcoin, the obese must eat more and more in order to create more waste. This creates a strain on world food production, destroys natural resources and means we will see more sad, white Hollywood actors travelling to Africa to hug a starving child. That is an unacceptable outcome.”


Rachel Meadows, CEO of the Baltimore based and Trump-funded fat-supremacist group Out of Pounds, agreed. “The US is proud to be the heaviest nation in the history of mankind, but Fatcoin is just a conniving scheme to make us larger and more vulnerable to attack from illegal Mexican cannibals.”


Tenuous

RFN questioned Meadows on the tenuous connection between Fatcoin and undocumented immigrants. We asked if this wasn’t simply more anti-immigrant propaganda from a nationalistic White House. Her answer was succinct. “These people want to eat our lunch.”


More crap

Even as the political firestorm against Fatcoin continues to build, nobody in authority seems to worry about the environmental hazard caused by miners disposing of surplus ‘slag’ from their mining operations.


Coleen Macpowell of the Harvard thinktank HTT summed up the lurking disaster. “The average US sewer system is more than 100 years old. It will never take the strain. Fatcoin is the last final act in a century-long tragedy. If we don’t act soon to ban this currency, the US will be in deep shit.”


RFN has recently learned that PEWK, a cryptocurrency for the bulimic will debut May 19th.

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