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  • The Guys In The Kitchen

EXPOSED:Brexit planning source revealed.

Kept secret for more than two years, the source of the Government’s Brexit strategy is discovered in Eastbourne. It costs £1 per info-byte.

£1 a go Brexit policy - collect all the cards!

Media-spin has referred to all-night sessions in the Brexit war-room. Cabinet has had long weekends at Chequers to ‘thrash it all out’. Thousands of civil servants dedicated to the task have been deployed far and wide. However, a clumsy information leak has revealed the shocking news that in fact, the Government’s ‘detailed’ Brexit strategy is devised by just one source – the great Zoltar.

Operating on the windswept seafront and located at the entrance to the Eastbourne Pier, Zoltar is in fact, not a person, but a ‘pay as you go’ information source. Bearing the legend ‘Zoltar speaks’, the source of all things Brexit – right down to the Government-lauded ‘Operation Yellowhammer’, ‘Operation Brock’ and buying ferries to nowhere – is a mechanical marionette in the shape of a middle-eastern mystic. His suggestions and proclamations are delivered upon payment of £1. (Cash only, no contactless).

Not our cluster

Built in Burton on Trent by Seaside Novelties Ltd, the Zoltar machine is eighteen years old, runs on 220v AC electricity and has a burned-out lightbulb above Zoltar’s turbaned head. RFN contacted the manufacturer and asked if they knew the most important decision to affect the UK since WW2 was being piloted according to Zoltar.

In a carefully-worded statement , they said, ‘The Z3000 is not designed for political discourse. It is a humorous attraction meant for light entertainment. The device has thirty set answers, ranging from ‘You will fall in love’ to ‘Riches will rain upon you.’ Although we can see that some of Zoltar’s proclamations may have Brexit value, (‘Beware those bearing false promises’), Seaside Novelties Ltd accepts no responsibility for any clusters that may occur after improperly interpreting the given readings.’

All at sea and in a fog - Labour Brexit policy


After reviewing material gleaned under a Freedom of Information Act request, RFN Network has been able to pair some of Zoltar’s answers to key Brexit activity. These include:

‘Your mind is muddled.’ – Theresa May’s red lines.

‘Ask and you shall receive’ – Meaningful Vote numbers 9, 10 and 11.

‘A fog shall surround you’ – Labour’s Brexit policy.

‘Trust not his words.’ – Anything to do with Boris Johnson.

‘Thou are thick as a brick.’ – David Davis.


Armed with these startling results, RFN managed to corner Lionel Soames, the Head of Brexit Policy and Chief Strategist for Leaving the European Union as he left home for his office in Whitehall.

When confronted with the Zoltar evidence he said, “After careful review of tenders from major business consultancies, it was decided that the information available from Zoltar would be far more cost-effective. To date, this impeccable source has helped formulate the decisive, gung-ho and clear Brexit strategy laid down by this Government. We stand by our sources and remind the British people that they are getting exactly what they asked for in the referendum – shit in, shit out. Now, please get out of my way.”

Rabble without a cause

Upon hearing the news that his team had been effectively negotiating with a toy for the past two years, the head of the EU Brexit Committee, Michel Barnier, said, “We will now bypass the rabble in Westminster and deal directly with Zoltar. We are confident that a withdrawal deal can be successfully agreed with him.”


Back on the seafront, as word of Zoltar’s important role became widely known, customers lined up to draw upon the mystic’s wisdom. Within half an hour, Zoltar had run out of printed messages and Pier staff had to turn the unit off. Susan Rawley from nearby Hastings was one of the lucky few to obtain advice from the font of all wisdom. Her card said, ‘Spend wisely, be happy.’ When asked how she would interpret the advice, she said that she was about to rush down to Aldi and buy a pair of fluffy tracksuit bottoms.

Without Zoltar’s ongoing advice, the Government is now conducting Brexit policy according to the messages found on Love Hearts confectionary.

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