EGGED ON: Police uncover huge anti-Farage missile cache.
Following an online tip, West Midlands Police have uncovered a stockpile of missiles destined for the face of Brexit Party leader and 21st century mystic, Nigel Farage.
Even as he takes cover in his big Brexit bus, Nigel Farage and his security team are on constant alert for antagonists armed with foodie forms of weaponry. Just as well they are, because it seems the recent milkshake dousing that Farage received in Newcastle was just the tip of a sticky iceberg.
A lot of bollocks
Acting on a tip posted to the copper’s favourite website, grassyourneighboursup.com, West Midlands Police raided a house in the leafy Birmingham suburb of Kings Norton in the early hours of Saturday. Inside they discovered a middle-aged couple, a cat called Rosie, several dozen ‘Bollocks to Brexit’ stickers and most alarmingly, a cache of material designed for a fast lob at the Eurosceptic politician.
Chief Inspector Dawn Rayder, head of the recently formed Political Crimes and Nasty Business Unit of the WMP, described the arsenal as, ‘disturbing’.
She went on to say, “Items within the trove are in breach of the new Splash and Dash regulations on sticky bombs for public use. We have also ascertained that in order to create maximum mental harm to Mr. Farage, the weapons all have a distinct European origin.”
A list of the foul materials revealed that they included a French Poodle’s turd, a jar of Gondolier’s bad breath, Flemish phlegm, bulging douche bags, stagnant urine from Pisa and an over-sugared strudel. The exact repulsiveness of that last item is still being assessed.
Classed as weapons of mass instruction because they are meant to send a powerful message, it is a crime to possess such articles in large quantities. Doing so can incur a sentence of up to 7 years in prison and as much as 400 hours of compulsory listening to Brexit supporters’ twaddle.
The couple found in the house where the cache was found have been identified as Peter Paul and Mary Paul, both originally from Oxford and now currently working as teachers at Dame Elizabeth Cadbury senior school. They have both been arrested under the Splash and Dash act and are being held in police custody on suspicion of harbouring a grudge.
Noted for their keen Remainer stance, the Pauls have been seen on recent People’s Vote marches and have a blue euro flag pasted in the porch of their £315,000 semi-detached home. Neighbours on their street described the couple as ‘pissed off about Brexit’ and ‘big fans of that Vince Cable’. It is understood the Pauls also own a farmhouse cottage in the Dordogne and like the odd glass of chardonnay. According to WMP, these are clear signals of radicalised anti-Faragists.
Naughty but nice
As the Brexit Party continues their juggernaut roll through the Leave heartlands of plebbish Britain, so they are ramping up their security arrangements. RFN has learned that future Farage rallies will require attendees to undergo a strip-search at the door. A spokeshole for the party called the move, “A small price to pay to guarantee Nigel’s safety. We will also be photographing all attendees, but of course, not their naughty bits. Unless they’re really funny.”
Late on Saturday, RFN learned that the Five Guys burger chain is now offering a free meal to anyone who can chunder Nigel Farage with their new Brexit Berry and Caramel milkshake. It costs £5.25p and is available at all participating outlets.
Nigel Farage is highly intolerant.