• The Guys In The Kitchen

COSTA-MONGERING: Coffee on the tube?

The ever-popular Costa coffee-house chain is rumoured to be on the verge of closing a new deal with TFL that will see shops on board London tube trains for the very first time.

Never be more than 5 seconds from a flat white.

Staffed by people known as ‘Tuberistas’ , these tiny coffee houses will “put a Costa coffee shop no less than 5 seconds away from everyone who travels on London Underground” according to a leading industry spokesperson who gave their name as Barry.


Operating as 'stand up and slurp' fast-thirst stations, it is widely assumed that the move will fill a yawning gap in the market. Indeed, marketing professionals have already given the expansive idea ‘two thumbs up’, saying that “nobody will ever be able to say to it was just too much fucking effort to go round the corner to get a delicious flat white” again.

Gagging for it

Initially expected to launch in August on Central, Piccadilly and Victoria lines and offering drinks within Zones 1 and 2, the micro shops will sell a smaller range of hot drinks than a standard street side retail operation. Espresso, cappuccino, flat white and some new bullshit thing called a ‘Coyster’ will be the options available to those who just have to have a shot of caffeine to gasp it out between Lancaster Gate and Marble Arch.

RFN has learned that it was only during top secret tests on a portion of the Piccadilly line last year that the size of travellers' lurking desire for a frothy concoction as they lurched between frayed seats and a sticky hanging strap became evident. Based on those results, first year sales are being predicted as “at least five billion smackers” according to Barry.

Saturation point

By 2021 it is expected that there will be a shop on every train carriage on all lines and at all times of day. The industry sees this total ‘brand immersion’ as being in line with the goal of remorselessly draining the living shit out of the delightful concept of drinking an Italian-style coffee in relaxing surroundings.

At the time of going to press, Costa’s share price had perked, and coffee beans had jumped.

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