CORONAVIRUS: UK readies 5,000,000 cough drops.
As Coronavirus spreads, newly erected PM, Boris Johnson prepares to ‘defeat all-comers’.
China has completely shut its borders. Asia is in the grip of mass hysteria. The US is arming doctors in hospitals. Donald Trump is offering sick beds in his hotels at $5000 a day.
Coronavirus – a mutated version of flu, but with the killing power of anthrax – has captured the world’s imagination and spawned some radical reactions.
In the UK, where the virus has only just appeared, Downing Street has swiftly moved to put a lid on the threat. In a televised speech from a friend’s luxury yacht sailing well outside the danger zone, Prime Minister Boris Johnson urged the nation to adopt ‘the spirit of the blitz’. Saying that ‘the UK will not be defeated by a ‘cowardy-custard corona cold thingy’, he reassured the population that there is nothing to fear from a disease that kills everyone it touches.
To reinforce his bravado, Johnson went on to tell the nation that the NHS has more than 5,000,000 emergency packets of Halls Menthol and Eucalyptus Cough Drops available.
Strategically scattered across newsagents, supermarkets and the odd petrol station, the placebo throat soothers are for anyone who thinks they may have contracted Coronavirus and are feeling a bit poorly. Prescriptions are not needed, but a standard NHS price of £9 per pack applies.
Medical journal The Lancet has since said that a sugary sucker will do nothing to save anyone who contracts the disease. This has been refuted by ‘Door-Matt’ Hancock, the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care. Speaking outside a half-closed hospital in the London borough of Brent, he said, “Halls have been manufacturing cough drops for more than a century. I think they know more about saving lives than egghead doctors in a teaching hospital. Furthermore, in the rare event that a slippery lozenge does not immediately do the trick, we have four dozen packets of Anadin on standby.”
It's sickly up north
However, despite the government’s optimism, large numbers of people are taking protective measures of their own. With the first cases of Coronavirus appearing in Newcastle on 31st Jan, angry mobs have moved to isolate the city. Phone lines and internet are down. Roads have been blocked with mounds of burning Get Brexit Done signs. Train lines have been ripped up. The Gateshead ferry has been sunk and a twenty-miles wide ‘exclusion zone’ has been ringed around the infected area. Nobody is being allowed in or out.
George Marshal, 68, a retired steelworker from nearby Sunderland and a local leader in the newly created ‘Anti-Flu Action League’, (AFAL), declared that cutting the city off from the rest of the world was the right thing to do. “Right fookin’ game this are. Fookin’ foreign germs spreading like wildfire. We had to do summat. Fookin’ government is shite.”
Later, at an event at London’s swanky Café Royale, where lots of rich white men were celebrating the UK’s demise from the European Union, RFN put this statement to Cabinet Minister Michael Gove. He waved the accusation off, saying, “We will not be cowed by the opinions of the unwashed. We have got Brexit done. We have the votes from the north. 80 seats, 80 seats, 80, seats.”
We understand that this last comment was a reference to the government’s overbearing commons majority, which allows them to do just what they like.
A visit to an adjacent WH Smith after the interview revealed mounds of un-issued cough drops. When asked why this was, shop assistant Mandy Lude said, “They’re nine quid each. Nobody wants ‘em. Better off with Polos for 50p.”
Michael Gove is 12 years old