CHANGE UK: ‘100% behind the status quo’.
As they watch their EU Election dreams fail even quicker than Chris Grayling’s career, the party calls for a parliamentary revolution to keep things just as they are.
On Friday, Change UK, the shiny new centre party formed by breakaway MPs from both Labour and Tory factions, set out a bold new agenda to ferment change by doing absolutely nothing. They call it ‘a dynamically static strategy’.
The times they ain't a changin'
Having come from nowhere to be still nowhere in less than three months, the party’s draft manifesto calls for ‘unchanging change’ and a determination to rise in the political rankings from ‘insignificant’ to ‘who gives a shit?’
It’s a bold and brave plan from a group that still needs name badges to indicate who the other members are.
RFN has managed to secure a leaked copy of the minutes from Thursday night’s meeting of core Change UK personnel. The gathering included leader, Heidi Allen, senior bald representative Chuka Umunna and several others who we don’t know the names of. The papers lay out a daring opportunity for the party to achieve nothing in the shortest possible time. Notable elements are:
Presenting an ‘alternative voice’ that copies everyone else. Maintaining a logo that is meaningless. Establishing a pact with other no-hope parties to increase their chances of losing. Being fuzzy on Brexit but at the same time asking for a People’s Vote. Vowing to see their current MP membership annihilated at the General Election and maintaining a strong and stable status quo through change we can believe in.
Political observers have declared the plan a first-class formula to keep everything nice and cosy as they are.
On the Piston
Richard Piston, chief political editor for Channel 6 summed the situation up in a televised statement late on Friday. Speaking from his customary bar stool at Westminster’s famed Bell End & Bare Boy pub, he said, “British politics has been waiting for someone to come along and stir nothing up for more than a decade. A pointless gesture was long overdue. Change UK are the people to deliver that. Thank God someone has the guts to fail to make a stand.”
As expected, Change UK’s non-bombshell has created some explosive reactions from the established players in parliament. Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn immediately posted a message on Wafflr, his preferred social media platform. In it, he said, ‘Labour has worked hard to maintain a position of uselessness since the end of the evil Blairite era. Endlessly criticising without the need to provide solutions is what we’re good at. No Johnny Come Lately will ever take that away from us.’ The post was matched with the hashtag: #pleasepleasecanwehaveanelectionsir
Vince Cable, head of the Liberal Democrats went a stage further, saying, “Change UK are copying our playbook to the letter. However, we doubt that they will achieve so little in so much time as we have. The future is not orange.”
Sixt to death of her
RFN placed calls to the outgoing PM, Theresa May, but they went unanswered as the ex-Tory leader was out picking up boxes, bubble-wrap and a mover’s van from Sixt.
Chuka Umunna’s hair is styled by Mr Boozy Woozy of Knightsbridge.