• The Guys In The Kitchen

CAR CRASH: Entire UK car industry leaves at same time.

Struggling with falling sales, emission regulations, an uncaring Government and the horrors of Brexit, every car company in UK says ‘bollocks’ and does a moonlight flit.

Going, going, gone!

First it was Nissan dropping planned production of the X-Trail in Sunderland. Next it was JLR announcing mass layoffs. Then it was Honda closing its Swindon plant. Now, with every car manufacturer in Great Britain leaving enmasse, the industry delivers unto the nation a mighty kick in the balls.


Oh Shit It's Friday

The departure was planned in secret, took place under the cover of darkness and used the distraction of a hot bank-holiday weekend to avoid media coverage. What is being referred to as the ‘Good Friday Disagreement’, has seen every factory, distribution centre and showroom owned and operated by UK car makers close. Commentators are already saying that the move will go down in history as the greatest economic calamity to hit the country since the South Sea Bubble.


Chicken little

Friday morning dawned warm with blue skies, but for those who worked in the car manufacturing business, either directly or in a subsidiary supplying parts and services, it was the bleakest of days. Estimates from the Department of Trade& Industry place immediate job losses at close to nine billion, with another ten billion affected elsewhere.


The overnight disappearance of every single car company, from Audi and BMW to Seat and Volkswagen, has left the nation stunned. Peter Brownlowdownlow, Chief Analyst at the Macadam Institute, an Edinburgh research centre that focuses on UK fuck-ups, explained, “There’s no two ways about it, this is a disaster. It could only have been worse if we’d lost the entire piri piri chicken industry.”


Cayman down, the price is right.

It is understood from messages posted on the doors of various auto company headquarters that the industry has decamped to the Cayman Islands. A handwritten note tacked up with a piece of used chewing gum at Ford’s main Dagenham plant read, ‘Bye bye suckers. We’re off to the seaside. Cancel the milk’. The missive to be found at Vauxhall said much the same thing and included an emoji of a tanned lady’s bottom wearing a thong bikini.

Red area is new mega factory. Cor, blimey.

RFN contacted the Cayman Islands Office of Trade, where we learned the island nation has declared a special planning exemption for the arriving car makers. This includes an allowance to relocate up to half of the population of Grand Cayman and the construction of the solar system’s largest factory. The mega-plant will cover the entire East End and half of the North Side of the island, with all existing buildings being demolished and every inch of land paved over. The factory will stretch west from Gun Bay to Bodden Town and offer more than 57 square miles of floorspace.


All motor manufacturers will share the facility, saving costs on design, production and the installation of crappy sat-nav and baulky switches. Miriam Blenck, COO at Audi Grand Caymen (nee UK) told RFN that, “The new facility will build approximately two million vehicles per year, which is a 30% jump on past UK production. Tax advantages will also enable us to really rake it in and of course, we shall no longer be pissed around by nanny governments trying to impose their will. Who the fuck came up with the idea of no more petrol or diesel engines by 2030 we have no idea. Screw them.”


Bastids

However, even as the auto industry rejoiced in their newfound independence and strength, not to say the concept of bottomless pina colada at Shelly’s Beach Bar, unemployed workers stuck in the UK were putting forth a different point of view.


Steve Jones, 62, an ex-paper shuffler at Jaguar Land Rover looked glum as he stood outside the Moseley Job Centre in Birmingham. “It’s a fookin’ shame, in it? We bin with them companies for yonks. Whatwegonnadonow? My missus says we don’t even have enough fookin’ money fer next week’s lotto. Bleedin’ terrible that is.”


Co-worker Olly Whitehouse, 61, who worked in JLR’s paint shop for 18 years agreed. “Total shit, that’s what it is. I worked me cobs off to mek them cars, then they stab us in the fookin’s back. 'tent royt. Bastids.”


Bojob

Oddly, Westminster has yet to respond to the calamity, with a communications blackout extending across central government since word of the mass departure was received on Friday morning. Only Boris Johnson, speaking at a fundraiser for his Trans-Atlantic Bridge was prepared to break ranks and go on the record. RFN asked the ex-Foreign Secretary for his thoughts on the effect of the car industry’s action on UK business. He smiled, sucked in his gut and said, “Fuck business.”


Potential rumours of a mass defection by the entire UK fishing fleet to Switzerland were swirling as RFN went to press early on Easter Sunday.

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