• The Guys In The Kitchen

BREXIT BOLLOCKS: Labour commits on 2nd Referendum.

After two years sitting on the fence, Labour finally commits to a second Brexit referendum with unequivocal, concrete ‘Definite Maybe’.


Fresh from resounding victories in decisive votes that killed Theresa May’s Brexit deal, Jeremy Corbyn stood outside the Molotov cocktail bar and boom-boom room in London’s Haringey district on Thursday night and declared that his party had finally agreed to support a second people’s vote on leaving the EU – possibly, could be, have to wait and see.

Could be, maybe, have to think about it, let you know...

Pumped with the excitement of maintaining a nebulous status quo, the bearded leader of the opposition stated, “Now is not the time to make rash decisions, indeed it is never the time to make any decisions. Instead, it is time to heal the wounds and bring the Labour party back under my firm control by continuing to do what I have done for the past two years… which is waffle. We know this is the best thing to do, even though some people in the country may think it is the worst thing to do.They misunderstand the point. The point is that my job is OK. Therefore, we have tonight decided, once and for all, to decide nothing, for all. Maybe.”


Before bundling the Labour leader into a waiting Ford Transit for a victory lap of the Elephant and Castle, Corbyn’s press agent added that nothing said was to be taken as a call for action. Inaction remained the only way to get things done, or not done, during the nation’s darkest hour since World War Two.


Shock and bore

Corbyn’s bolt from the blue sent shockwaves reverberating through Westminster, with all parties suddenly finding themselves under pressure to respond. First to react were the DUP, who spoke to RFN from a callbox on the Shanklin Road. They said, “This is an outrage. The Day-ewe-pay will never let anyone to act in a more self-serving way than we dew. We are cancelling the confidence and supply agreement that we never agreed with Labour!”


Elsewhere, Scotland’s SNP, the Liberal Democrats, Plaid Cymru, the Greens and that independent bloke from Dorking, all expressed surprise at Labour’s commitment to a non-commitment. In a joint statement, they said Labour’s move was typical of a hard-right, fascist, communistic, extreme-leftist cabal of moderates. The 11 members of the newly formed TIG party had no official comment, but immediately splintered into separate factions amid cries of betrayal.


Cackle

Curiously, by the time of going to press, RFN had received no word from Downing Street, the ERG or the main Conservative Party. However, leaked reports from inside the Prime Minister’s residence spoke of hearing the popping of champagne corks, loud cheers and someone who sounded like Theresa May shouting, “He’s fucked,” before dissolving into a raucous cackle of laughter.


Financial markets remained unmoved by the political peccadillo, with sterling holding steady at £4 to buy one dollar and the FTSE sliding a piddling 17%.

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