• The Guys In The Kitchen

AUTOS: French manufacturers to make better crap cars.

In a world first yesterday, the heads of French car-making giants, Citroen, Renault and Peugeot came together to issue a press statement – from now on, they would unite to make much ‘better crap cars’.

Better turdmobiles coming from France.

On a spotlit stage at the famous ‘Crazy Horse’ gentleman’s retreat in central Paris, the three men, Pierre Bhissy-bodi, Claude Jonket and Emile Olifontain, all aged 63, nodded their heads in unison as a patriotic video extolled the wonders of a car industry that had churned out turdmobiles for more than a century.

Over a period of fifteen minutes, the audience of 1500 journalists and fans of nude female dancers, was treated to a fast-moving story that revealed a glorious history of labour strikes, poor product design, God-awful working conditions, defective manufacturing and never-ending product recalls. It was one of the most moving displays of non-progress this reporter has ever seen.

C'est le plan pour moi

As the film came to a close, the Chief Executives took it in turn to lay out ‘le roadmap’ for the future. It fell into three areas: Loyal customers need not worry that the cars they had grown to love and hate would significantly change. They would remain as shitty as ever, but now they would come with upgraded features such as extra-flimsy interior trim, hopelessly confusing sat-nav (Portuguese language only), thinner, ungalvanized steel, the removal of ‘le cupholders Americain', ridiculous body-styling and the installation of more confusing switches and incomprehensible warning buzzers.

Secondly, to ensure equal non-competitiveness, all three companies would incorporate these changes together and at the same time.

Lastly, due to continuing labour disputes, (now in week 734), customers could still be sure of a nineteen months delay in receiving their dull new car.

Upgrades drive downgrades

The upgrades we were told, would make French cars ‘dominant in ze industry and items of desire among the Plebians in our international markets.’

Worldwide reaction to the announcements was swift - with a raft of other major vehicle makers rushing to make their own claims of accelerated crappiness and built-in shitolesence. Shares of all automotive firms slid by as much as 20% before recovering to gain 4% as financial markets recognised the raised disintegration rate for new cars would eventually translate into added sales.

Only German makers refused to join in the 'better, crapper, faster' zeitgeist, maintaining that they would continue to build their cars like tanks - or that possibly even were tanks.

Depreciation appreciation

During a brief question and answer period at the end of the press conference, RFN asked the French three what the new plans would mean for the UK. Speaking for the trio, Pierre Bhissy-bodi said, “of course, we ‘ave the Brexeet bullsheet right now, but once we get past zat, we guarantee our vingt-trois British customers will continue to receive the product zey ‘ave become accustomed to. The French car zey buy today will always lose more than 85% of its new purchase price wizin a year. Zis is our pledge.”


The stage presentation was followed by nine identically beautiful and totally naked young women dancing in a line to the tune of ’99 Red Balloons’.