• The Guys In The Kitchen

AUSTERITY: Osborne - finally ‘sorry’.

In a rare interview, ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne apologises for Austerity, but says “Cameron made me do it”.

Osborne looking shifty yesterday

George Osborne, the United Kingdom’s former financial leader told RFN yesterday that his actions in 2010 to introduce what is now known as Austerity, was a major error of judgement – on the part of then Prime Minister, David Cameron.


Speaking from his luxurious office at the London HQ of the global hedge fund where he works for two days per month on a salary of £3,000,000 per year, Osborne seemed oblivious to the misery that his programme of cuts to public services and infrastructure had caused to millions of British citizens.


“Little people will always whinge about the lack of social housing, the wretched state of our schools, the potholes in our roads and that annoying old man on Strictly. That’s just part of being British. However, they simply do not understand that we’ve all had to suffer to keep the UK ship afloat. I only managed ten days in Barbados at Christmas in 2011 instead of my usual three weeks, but I accepted the fact that we had to have less for the nation to move forwards," he said.

Pimento fork from Osborne family heirloom collection.

A bit rich

Osborne is now the editor of the London Evening Standard, an advertising leaflet that is apparently given away free at London transport hubs every weeknight. Along with that occupation and his work for the hedge fund as an ‘introducer’, he is a TV commentator, speech maker, man about town and a dab hand with a pimento fork. He also has a further nine jobs. Forbes magazine last year placed him 37th on the list of world’s richest men.


Snort

Unmoved by RFN’s suggestion that he was out of touch with ordinary working people, he snorted into his 75 years old malt whiskey and pointed out that as a child, he didn’t even have his own racehorse until he was six. Retreating into a defensive posture on the subject of Austerity’s effects, he said, “I never wanted it. It was all that Cameron’s fault. Him and Clegg. They made me do it. If I didn’t, they would have taken away my minister’s car. And anyway, how was I supposed to know it would slice a trillion off GDP and put 12 million on the dole? Do you expect me to read all the numbers? I’m not a bloody accountant!”


Bastards

When presented with the transcript of a dinner speech he gave in 2013 to The Society of Rich White Bastards, wherein he stated, ‘…the plebs are having a tough time, but your profits have never been better. This government knows what’s important,’ Osborne denied saying the words, calling the transcript ‘fake news’. YouTube video of the event which supports the written account was also waved off as ‘photoshopped gimcrackery’.


RFN asked the former Chancellor if he ever felt guilt for the harm he had caused. He paused, took off his solid platinum reading glasses and fixed us with a stare, “I sincerely apologise for any inconvenience caused… by David Cameron.”


Clusterfuck responsibility

A spokesperson issued a reply to this statement on official letterhead from David Cameron’s £2 million Swedish garden shed. It said: ‘There is no truth in statements made by the ex-Chancellor that implicate the former Prime Minister in any threatening behaviour. The economic decisions made following the financial crisis were solely the responsibility of George Osborne. It was his clusterfuck and his clusterfuck alone.’

Rusty Stanley knife used to threaten ex-Chancellor

Pubes

A private source informed RFN that in fact, Osborne had been threatened by Cameron and his ‘Gang of Two’ old Etonian comrades and that the threats had included ‘debagging’ and ‘shaving his pubes with a rusty Stanley knife.’ However, we were unable to gain a final response from Mr. Osborne before we were escorted from his place of work by burly security guards.


Austerity has been blamed for the premature death of more than 52 million Britons, that big cyclone which hit the Philippines, the melting of the ice caps and England's tragic performance in World Cup 2018.


George Osborne was recently rejected as a possible contestant for ‘Get Me Out of Here’ .

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