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  • The Guys In The Kitchen

“Animals? Really? What are they good for?”

Trillionaire CEO of heavy industrial conglomerate MegaSmoke, Sir Charles Babbidge, talks about climate change.

Nothing wrong with a bit of smoke.

Yes, yes, yes, we have all heard the naysayers and the Chicken Littles banging on about climate change, the dangers of rising seas and the loss of habitats, but let’s be honest, do we really care?

For example, I read a ridiculous report in some communist rag the other day that said the planet will lose up to one million species by the middle of next week. Really? Well that’s fine. More room for us. Get rid of all those freeloading plants and animals, because if they’re not on my dinner plate, there’s no benefit in them. Especially animals. They’re smelly, they don’t buy much and judging by the way they defecate everywhere whenever they like, they’re not exactly good stewards of the environment either.

As I said to my wife, Mary on Sunday, “Mary”, I said, “Animals have to go. They’re getting in the way of progress.” She took time off from cleaning the chimneys to agree. A sensible woman. There aren’t many of those these days.

I also refute the basic argument of these pathetic Extinction Rebellion protesters. When they aren’t clogging the streets and making me late for lunch with my bankers or the nice gentleman who cleans my navel, they’re promoting blatant lies.

Penguins. Typically, not buying anything.

MegaSmoke carried out its own research into so-called climate change only a year ago and we found nothing to be alarmed about. We don’t use the Arctic much, so who cares if it disappears. Same for Antarctica. You can see penguins in any zoo. Cities that are worried by a suggested 60 metres rise in sea levels are simply not getting with the programme. With the right development, they could turn all that extra water into a luxury spa or a resort for people like me. If a few billion must get on their bikes and tootle off to find a new planet to live on, so be it, that’s the way what’s left of the world works.

Then of course, we have the uber Nazis of the global warming movement. You know who I mean. Those escapees from a mental asylum who chain themselves to trees or glue themselves to my Bentley. Honestly, shooting them is a waste of a good bullet. I can only suggest rounding them all up and giving them a solid re-education in the benefits of concrete and nuclear waste. That should culminate in a ten-year stint in the army. Nothing wrong with a bit of square bashing. It made a man of me, it made a man of my wife. Good firm stuff.

Lastly, let me offer a cautionary note to our brethren in Parliament who may be swayed by the masses calling for something to be done. Don’t do it.

Businesses like Megasmoke support those politicians who support our needs, such as tax-free fracking, the removal of ancient woodlands and the right to build motorways wherever we see fit. If any party who wishes to stay well-funded believes they can raise big money from tree frogs, rare birds or that giant tortoise in the Galapagos, let them try. In the meantime, I know I and other fore-sighted gentlemen like myself will be putting our cash behind those who think ‘business first’.

I think you get my drift? Now get out of the way of my helicopter.

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