AGENT ORANGE: Trump using ‘weird science’ to avoid looking like shit.
Leaked documents from inside the Trump White House reveal that the 45th President is relying on untested methods to remain ‘beautiful’.
Already well known for his day-glow complexion and cantilevered hairstyle, Donald Trump was top of the news-cycle again on Monday, as the world learned that his narcissistic streak has no limits. Leaked papers detail the beauty regimen of the world’s most powerful man, with many of the recorded techniques and methods raising eyebrows and false eyelashes across the cosmetic, fashion, and plastic surgery industries.
Among the more outlandish treatments listed are the application of bat guano to the President’s face to reduce wrinkles, electro-shock therapy to bolster his sagging breasts, ‘hand’ enlargement to increase virility, macro-dermabrasion with diamond-faced sanders to soften a condition referred to as ‘elephant’s ass’, and total body hair removal to eliminate any Russian collusion.
The papers also indicate that since he took office, the cost of the President’s extreme pampering is in excess of $65 million. This sum has been met using funds formerly tagged to rebuild Puerto Rico following Hurricane Maria in 2017.
The overall effects of this massive cosmetic process have given Trump a temporary aura of vigour and youthfulness, however, experts from the afore-mentioned beauty industries have questioned the safety and long-term effects of such radical procedures. Karen Starck, a leading dermatologist at the Weber Skin Institute in West Hollywood said, “Using hard, diamond tipped abrasion tools to reduce elephantisisbuttockosis is a risky and potentially dangerous process. One false slip with the equipment and the President will be wearing his skin inside out.”
Doctor Molly Hollins, Chief Registrar at the Mary Hopkins Loveliness Hospital in Detroit was even more critical of Trump’s reliance on radical treatments. In a Skype conversation with RFN, she displayed a prune that she'd left in the sun for ten days, and said, “Keep shocking them and and this is what your tits look like.”
However, despite an overwhelming diatribe of negative commentary, the President seems unmoved. RFN has learned that he is in the process of installing the world’s largest tanning booth inside the Presidential residence.
Constructed in what was once the White House Library housing a priceless collection of books, manuscripts and early US maps, the new ‘super-solarium’ will be 26 feet by 21 feet and have the power of two suns. The installers, MegaTann of Miami, say on their website that the system can ‘tan a rich, caucasian skin a deep burnt sienna in less than fifty seconds.’ The site recommends using a welder’s mask during tanning sessions.
As the President left for a five-day working weekend on the golf course, he was asked for his thoughts on the latest revelations: “All fake news people. This is a great tan, a beautiful tan, probably the best tan ever, and I have never used electricity on my body parts. People that say I did are sick. Sad. Total losers. They will never have the taut pecs that I have. Witch hunt!”
Reports were coming in late yesterday that sales of bat shit were going ape-shit in Beverly Hills.