DEBENHAMS: Leaving oldies in the lurch.

EATING OUT: ‘Bratva’ – “Hits you like a rubber cosh.”

BEST BUYS: New device can detect a dickhead at 20 yards.

INTERVIEW WITH A SAPPHIRE: Steve Jewell, world’s coolest man.

EATING OUT: ‘Masula’ – “Authentic right down to the whiff of untreated sewage.”

MYTH BUSTED: Mary Poppins is alive!

HOT TOPIC: This week’s gratuitous clickbait.

BOOKS: ‘Motorway to Mandalay’.

FLATULENCE TYPE: New Jag runs on cow farts.

COSTA-MONGERING: Coffee on the tube?

FILMS: ‘Stalking the Apocalypse’.

LEON NEASDEN: ‘Fancied mass murder’.